Cries And Whispers
New Year's Eve is nearly here, which is as good a flimsy pretext as any to present the complete rules of a brand-new party game, guaranteed to make everyone else's festivities look rubbish.

It's called Carry On Drinking, and I have to ask, with all humility, which other Sunday newspaper would offer you such a treat?

You will need:

Your own Carry On cocktail. Ideally, it should be saucy and fruity, and should contain melons. Oh, and it should be cripplingly alcoholic.

A video of a Carry On film - or preferably several, so you can swap between them during the game.

Instructions: Printed below is a numbered list of more or less everything that happens in a Carry On film. Randomly distribute the numbers among your guests, so that everyone is assigned several Carry On incidents.

(If you're particularly popular, you may have to double up the numbers, so no one is left short.)

Put on the video(s). Every time one of the listed incidents occurs onscreen, the person(s) with the appropriate number must take a swig of the cocktail. You'll notice that, after about half an hour's play, the films start to seem really funny.

(Warning: a combination of Carry On Up The Jungle and number seven is potentially fatal.)


You must take a drink any time that ...

1 Sid James gets his hands on a woman

2 A woman is angry with Sid James

3 A potential snog is interrupted

4 Hattie Jacques tries to seduce Kenneth Williams

5 Kenneth Williams says: "Stop messing about!"

6 Kenneth Williams says: "Ooh!"

7 Frankie Howerd says: "Ooh!"

8 Anyone says: "Phwooar!"

9 Anyone says: "Saucy!"

10 Anyone says the words "carry on"

11 Anyone says "matron"

12 Hattie Jacques scolds someone

13 Joan Sims scolds someone

14 Barbara Windsor giggles

15 Sid James cackles

16 Kenneth Williams guffaws toothily

17 Jim Dale rips off a woman's clothing

18 Jim Dale destroys property

19 Jim Dale falls over

20 a character is addressed by the actor's first name

And you must drink whenever you hear ...

21 a "boing" sound-effect

22 a honking sound-effect

23 a joke about trade unions

24 a toilet joke

25 a breast innuendo

26 a bottom innuendo

27 a penis innuendo

28 the euphemism "it"

29 a character's name which is a pun

You must take further drink any time you see ...

30 a man's underwear

31 a woman's underwear (two swigs if it belongs to Barbara Windsor)

32 a naked man

33 a naked woman

34 a visual joke featuring a phallic symbol

35 a speeded-up segment of film

And any time there is a scene in which ...

36 a future sitcom/light-entertainment star appears (not one of the main Carry On team)

37 a future soap/drama star appears (not one of the main Carry On team)

38 Bernard Bresslaw is dressed as an ethnic minority

39 a man gets dressed up as a woman

40 a woman gets dressed up as a man.

Coming soon (possibly) ... Shaken Not Stirred: the James Bond Drinking Game, and others. Publishers are invited to put their bids in now.