It's called Carry On Drinking, and I have to ask, with all humility, which other Sunday newspaper would offer you such a treat?
You will need:
Your own Carry On cocktail. Ideally, it should be saucy and fruity, and should contain melons. Oh, and it should be cripplingly alcoholic.
A video of a Carry On film - or preferably several, so you can swap between them during the game.
Instructions: Printed below is a numbered list of more or less everything that happens in a Carry On film. Randomly distribute the numbers among your guests, so that everyone is assigned several Carry On incidents.
(If you're particularly popular, you may have to double up the numbers, so no one is left short.)
Put on the video(s). Every time one of the listed incidents occurs onscreen, the person(s) with the appropriate number must take a swig of the cocktail. You'll notice that, after about half an hour's play, the films start to seem really funny.
(Warning: a combination of Carry On Up The Jungle and number seven is potentially fatal.)
You must take a drink any time that ...
1 Sid James gets his hands on a woman
2 A woman is angry with Sid James
3 A potential snog is interrupted
4 Hattie Jacques tries to seduce Kenneth Williams
5 Kenneth Williams says: "Stop messing about!"
6 Kenneth Williams says: "Ooh!"
7 Frankie Howerd says: "Ooh!"
8 Anyone says: "Phwooar!"
9 Anyone says: "Saucy!"
10 Anyone says the words "carry on"
11 Anyone says "matron"
12 Hattie Jacques scolds someone
13 Joan Sims scolds someone
14 Barbara Windsor giggles
15 Sid James cackles
16 Kenneth Williams guffaws toothily
17 Jim Dale rips off a woman's clothing
18 Jim Dale destroys property
19 Jim Dale falls over
20 a character is addressed by the actor's first name
And you must drink whenever you hear ...
21 a "boing" sound-effect
22 a honking sound-effect
23 a joke about trade unions
24 a toilet joke
25 a breast innuendo
26 a bottom innuendo
27 a penis innuendo
28 the euphemism "it"
29 a character's name which is a pun
You must take further drink any time you see ...
30 a man's underwear
31 a woman's underwear (two swigs if it belongs to Barbara Windsor)
32 a naked man
33 a naked woman
34 a visual joke featuring a phallic symbol
35 a speeded-up segment of film
And any time there is a scene in which ...
36 a future sitcom/light-entertainment star appears (not one of the main Carry On team)
37 a future soap/drama star appears (not one of the main Carry On team)
38 Bernard Bresslaw is dressed as an ethnic minority
39 a man gets dressed up as a woman
40 a woman gets dressed up as a man.
Coming soon (possibly) ... Shaken Not Stirred: the James Bond Drinking Game, and others. Publishers are invited to put their bids in now.