Good news: they're replacing me with an IT girl

I've been told that we need to get a bit of bone into the paper, a bit of class, almost as if we were owned by Mr Murdoch. My part in this enterprise is to become a woman. Not, you'll understand, a woman who by skill and application, by endless reading and thought, by constant discourse among the people of this world from high to low, coupled with technical excellence in the deployment of your men the Words, has earned her the right to my column and your attention.

No. Not one of those women at all. What I have been told off to go and become is a -girl-. A posh girl, with bosoms. Ooh! And legs. Bosoms and legs and blonde hair and one of those names which hints at a bit of class until you deconstruct its components and distinguish between the give and the inherited-but-conflated. I have decided to be Anastasia Bloggs- Jenkins, and, gosh, aren't we going to have fun!

The first thing I must do is reinvent my parents. Daddy, Hugo Bloggs- Jenkins, is a tall, saturnine sod, still darkly handsome, still able to turn the head of a pretty girl with bosoms and legs much like my own. Daddy was of course devoted to me and I learned to twist him round my little finger at an early age. Nothing was too much for his little girl: ponies, frocks, bosoms, a sports car, the odd abortion. He is still my Dream Man, is Daddy, and perhaps that is why I like older men. In fact, that's definitely why I like older men, not because they are rich and, in their pursuit of riches, have become almost impotent and thus untroublesome; nor indeed is it just a pose, designed to delude my sad git readers, slumped in the hopeless fallows of middle age, into believing that they are in with the chance of a poke.

There. Going rather well so far, wouldn't you say? My boyfriend Gerald is in oil. Actually he's a sardine. Ha ha ha ha! No, seriously, he is, and he has a Ferrari, and he's doing frightfully well, with a flat in Mayfair and a house in France and some Gucci loafers from Gucci of Bond Street, and, guess what!, I bought him one of those Gucci ties to go with his Gucci loafers - you know, the ones that you never, ever saw small- time drug-dealers wearing, whatever anyone says - from Gucci of Bond Street, apsley my fave fave shop -ever-, no, really it is. We are deeply in love and have so much in common, eg, all his lovely money. No! Only joking! Ha ha ha.

Gerald is into SM. Actually no he isn't - he's rally rally romantic and we have a marvellous time in bed and we do it all the time, rally all the time, Gerald says my bosoms are amazing - but I think it's good to spice up a, you know, relationship, so I go down to Agent Provocateur in Soho, which is run by Vivien Westwood's son, who has become a rally good friend and always advises me what to wear, you know, nipple-clamps and latex and those fur-lined handcuffs. It's all in fun of course and if Gerald ever actually, you know, did anything, I'd kill him. Daddy would kill him, because Daddy's still my number-one man.

There'll never be a shortage of things to write about. I mean, in London, we go out -all the time- - when we're not making love in Gerald's flat in Mayfair - and meet these rally mazing people. Just the other day we met this rally rally mazing man who'd started off in quite a humble way (you could tell he was humble because he had one of those humble names, Jenkins or Bloggs, not actually Jenkins or Bloggs, but something like that) and had just made nearly pounds 40m in business! Apparently he'd been chosen to run some terribly exciting railway thing and then a bus company had bought it for apslute masses of money and now he's rich, which just goes to show that, even if you're a rally humble person, if you do your bit and work hard and build up your business and - I know this sounds silly but I rally, rally believe it - put something back into society, well, you get your reward in the end.

I'm rally proud when I go to a party like that, with Daddy on one arm and Gerald on the other, both looking so smart in their lightweight navy- blue blazers - which they got from their tailor!!!! - and their Gucci loafers. It makes me feel rally feminine which I like to feel because I'm a woman, even if I am a high-powered media person and an instantly recognisable figure (with my bosoms and my legs and my blonde hair) on the society circuit.

Mind you, when I say "society", I don't mean "society" in a sort of snobby sense. Nobody could ever accuse me of being a snobby, debby sort of person, just like they could never accuse me of being the sort of empty-headed bimbo who likes nothing better than snorting up a mugful of charlie and going upstairs for a wild shag with an Argentinian polo player with thighs like a stallion. No; I've always worked for my living and I like to see myself as an independent girl who's just been been vay, vay lucky.

But I don't think it's spoiled me. I'm still the same Stasi I've alway been, outgoing, friendly, basically cheerful, and apsley not a snob. I mean, a typical day takes in a whole cross-section, you know? One minute I might be at a high-powered media planning session, the next, enjoying a bit of girly talk at Groucho's with other independent, successful media girls like Tara or Tania; the evening might find me deep in conversation with Elton John or a successful West End estate agent or someone like the humble train man or even a bronzed, tautly muscular Argentinian polo player like my dear, dear friend Luis Basualdo, though not actually Lusi Basualdo because he's dead, I think, just sort of like him. But younger. Gerald doesn't mind. We have a good relationship like that, and he knows he is the only man in my life. Apart from Daddy!

So there is my World, which I shall be sharing with you in weeks to come. So much more fun than all that dreary, thinky stuff you used to get, don't you agree? !

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookA delicious collection of 50 meaty main courses
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Business Analyst - 12 Month FTC - Entry Level

    £23000 - £27000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Business Analyst is required ...

    Recruitment Genius: Chefs - All Levels

    £16000 - £23000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: To succeed, you will need to ha...

    Recruitment Genius: Maintenance Engineer

    £8 per hour: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity to join an award winni...

    Recruitment Genius: Telesales Executive & Customer Service - Call Centre Jobs!

    £7 - £9 per hour: Recruitment Genius: Are you outgoing? Do you want to work in...

    Day In a Page

    Isis in Syria: Influential tribal leaders hold secret talks with Western powers and Gulf states over possibility of mobilising against militants

    Tribal gathering

    Influential clans in Syria have held secret talks with Western powers and Gulf states over the possibility of mobilising against Isis. But they are determined not to be pitted against each other
    Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge: A growing population and a compromised and depleted aquifer leaves water in scarce supply for Palestinians

    Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge

    A growing population and a compromised and depleted aquifer leaves water in scarce supply for Palestinians
    Dozens of politicians, bureaucrats and businessmen linked to Indian bribery scandal die mysteriously

    Illnesses, car crashes and suicides

    Dozens of politicians, bureaucrats and businessmen linked to Indian bribery scandal die mysteriously
    Srebrenica 20 years after the genocide: Why the survivors need closure

    Bosnia's genocide, 20 years on

    No-one is admitting where the bodies are buried - literally and metaphorically
    How Comic-Con can make or break a movie: From Batman vs Superman to Star Wars: Episode VII

    Power of the geek Gods

    Each year at Comic-Con in San Diego, Hollywood bosses nervously present blockbusters to the hallowed crowd. It can make or break a movie
    What do strawberries and cream have to do with tennis?

    Perfect match

    What do strawberries and cream have to do with tennis?
    10 best trays

    Get carried away with 10 best trays

    Serve with ceremony on a tray chic carrier
    Wimbledon 2015: Team Murray firing on all cylinders for SW19 title assault

    Team Murray firing on all cylinders for title assault

    Coaches Amélie Mauresmo and Jonas Bjorkman aiming to make Scot Wimbledon champion again
    Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - Vasek Pospisil must ignore tiredness and tell himself: I'm in the quarter-final, baby!

    Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon Files

    Vasek Pospisil must ignore tiredness and tell himself: I'm in the quarter-final, baby!
    Ashes 2015: Angus Fraser's top 10 moments from previous series'

    Angus Fraser's top 10 Ashes moments

    He played in five series against Australia and covered more as a newspaper correspondent. From Waugh to Warne and Hick to Headley, here are his highlights
    Greece debt crisis: EU 'family' needs to forgive rather than punish an impoverished state

    EU 'family' needs to forgive rather than punish an impoverished state

    An outbreak of malaria in Greece four years ago helps us understand the crisis, says Robert Fisk
    Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge: The traumatised kibbutz on Israel's front line, still recovering from last summer's war with Hamas

    Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge

    The traumatised kibbutz on Israel's front line, still recovering from last summer's war with Hamas
    How to survive electrical storms: What are the chances of being hit by lightning?

    Heavy weather

    What are the chances of being hit by lightning?
    World Bodypainting Festival 2015: Bizarre and brilliant photos celebrate 'the body as art'

    World Bodypainting Festival 2015

    Bizarre and brilliant photos celebrate 'the body as art'
    alt-j: A private jet, a Mercury Prize and Latitude headliners

    Don't call us nerds

    Craig Mclean meets alt-j - the math-folk act who are flying high