Charlotte Philby's Parental Leave: 'The toddler is taking the lids off felt-tip pens and throwing them in the bin'

A mother's weekly dispatch from the pre-school frontline

It's been a week of heightened emotions. That is to say it's been a week of weeping triggered by anything from the "Missing Cat" sign which flaps against the tree at the end of our road, to the moment my husband took an overzealous bite of my falafel wrap in the café of our local leisure centre, causing the entire thing to crumble in his hands. A no doubt hormone-induced condition, as keenly noted by mother, followed by the helpful advice: "Have you tried singing?"

In a bid to distract our children from my irrational misery, I am attempting to teach my daughter the art of joke-telling. Unfortunately, my repertoire extends to one with the punchline "a sunburnt penguin" – the preamble to which has abandoned me – and "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Thankfully, this seems to hit the spot. "Hahaha!" the four-year-old bellows, before waiting for the answer. "That's so funny! I know, I know," she rages on: "Why did the lamppost fall into the sea?" Before I can fathom a guess, she continues: "Why did the whole of London and holiday fall into the sea?" By now she is falling over with laughter. "Well that's very funny," I reason. "But it doesn't work quite like that. What you have to do is ask the question and then wait for an answer, like this: "Why did the…?"

She stops and glares at me, storming towards the toddler who is painstakingly removing the lids from a packet of felt-tip pens and throwing them in the bin. "Why are you always saying jokes?" my daughter scoffs, taking his arm protectively. "If we have to hear one more jokes we are going somewhere where no one can see us."

motherland.net