My love story ended when he died – it was like a giant full stop

There was no way to see what was coming after Charlotte Cripps and Alex picked up their new pet

(Amara May)

Alex was so excited to get our new pedigree dog Muggles on the Saturday before he died. He ran into the breeder’s house and grabbed him like he was a prized cow. I had to fill in some forms so we couldn’t dash off. But the overzealous breeder was so thorough, giving us photo albums of Muggles’ parents and information about how to look after a dog, that I could see Alex getting restless in the corner.

When he finally heard that Muggles’s mum was called Jacunda Dancing Girl of Rozansam and his stud dog dad was called Trebettyn Teryrnin to Tanadice, he’d had enough.

“Must go,” Alex said, as he got more twitchy. He had little patience at the best of times. We shot out into his Toyota pick-up truck. I had driven us there but now I had to hold Muggles to bond with him so Alex drove. It was like returning from the hospital with our newborn.

We had family coming over later that day to meet Muggles but would pace it so our new puppy didn’t get overwhelmed. He came with his blue blanket that smelt of his biological mum. I had bought him a matching blue dog bowl and a water pistol as I had read online that if he tried to bite the furniture we could squirt him with water.

We really had no idea! I was desperate for a baby and this was the next best thing, but it was far worse than a child because puppies don’t wear nappies.

I got some stain remover for the floor but within days my pristine flat was going down the pan. But Alex couldn’t keep up his excitement about the dog after sleeping with Muggles the first night in the sitting room, and soon looked as forlorn as the pup.

We really had no idea! I was desperate for a baby and this was the next best thing, but it was far worse than a child because puppies don’t wear nappies

What was wrong? It’s funny how things only become clearer in hindsight.

Looking back, when we had stood at the fridge the day before, I’d had a sudden whiff of alcohol, but it was such a fleeting thought it escaped me.

Had he had a drink? Maybe he was overwhelmed by a big job that had come his way that he was considering and relapsed. Was he battling his demons again, as well as depression? I could only imagine the nightmare of having a drink and the obsession and compulsion taking over. The desperate struggle to knock it on the head that ends in unleashing the monster. Is that why he kept disappearing out? We had some more family over on Sunday and he was withdrawn. Then Monday came and he was no better. That night he seemed a little more cheerful and wanted me to make him prawn linguine.

The next day it happened. I went to work and he seemed nonchalant. He was looking after Muggles, who had been with us four days, and had trained him to return when he whistled.

He emailed me to ask me to print out some floor plans for the job and then texted me to say he was going to the cinema at 5.30pm with our friend Simon. The last text was about dog poo.

I tried to call him from 12 to check on him and the new dog but he didn’t answer. I texted and then called again – but heard nothing. At lunchtime I stood outside The Independent’s office on High St Kensington and I didn’t know which way to go.

I had just done a meditation course to help me relax for IVF. Shall I go home to see them or go to the park and meditate? I went to the park and mediated – something I have never done before or since.

I went back to work but I still couldn’t get hold of him. I thought it is OK, he will be with Simon soon so I will call Simon. Maybe he’s lost his phone. That happens all the time. But when I left work at 5.30pm, Simon told me that he had not turned up.

I drove home and imagined I would walk in and see Alex slumped in a corner, relapsing. Or maybe he had lost his keys?

His truck was outside the flat. The lights were on full blast in the flat.

“Alex?” I shouted, but there was no reply.

It is a blur. I called 999 and I remember the ambulance men arriving and asking me whether I had read the letter on the table? The letter?

All I could see was little Muggles sitting under a table. I ran into another room – that’s when I realised Alex had ended his life. It was like a giant full stop.  

It is a blur. I called 999 and I remember the ambulance men arriving and asking me whether I had read the letter on the table? The letter?

That’s when I saw a nearly finished bottle of whisky. Oh my god. It all flooded back to me – he had fallen off the wagon then. His already depressed mood would have blackened. He had lost hope. My poor Alex. 

No words can describe the shock. I kept saying: “I love you; please come back.” Soon I was surrounded by police and people outside my flat. I hugged Muggles close. He was all I had left. Tears ran down my face. I was in a trance.

When I tell Lola and Liberty that it is six years ago that their daddy died, they look at the sky and say “we love you dada”. I hold back my tears and take them to school. It was the final curtain. My love story ended when he died – that’s until his cousin saw Alex in my hallway…

If you are in need of mental health support,  you can call the free Samaritans helpline on 116 123, email jo@samaritans.org or visit www.samaritans.org to find details of your nearest branch