How to save your own life, or not

Out There

At this time of year, it is customary to evaluate one's life situation and make positive changes towards attaining wholeness and spiritual satisfaction. Here, then, is an overview of the latest titles from the personal growth market. These powerful transformative tools are available only through the Out There mail order service, full details of which are available on application.

Remote Control Affirmations

Learn to assert yourself while switching channels. A must for those husbands whose wives simply don't understand that "TV was made for watching football. End of story".

Flirty-Something

Old enough to know better? Sense of natural decency cramping your style? Fancy someone in the office but afraid to make a pass? Put yourself into a trance state and learn the life-enhancing skills of Positive Flirtation and forget about the horror of advancing middle age.

Learning to Love with Hate

Ten life-affirming slogans for deepening relationships through spite. Learn how to hate your partner in a positive, life-enhancing way. Includes a step-by-step guide to creating your own personal humiliation ritual.

Blaming the Inner Child

Learn to identify the "hidden" part of you that stirs up all the shit in your life. Understand the importance of blame and punishment. Thank God it's someone smaller than you!

Beating the Inner Child

Is that little brat pissing you off again? Learn how to give your Inner Child a hiding it'll never forget.

Making the Inner Child Earn its Keep

Having mastered the Inner Brat, you can make it bully the Inner Children of your friends and colleagues. Sit back and watch yourself turn every encounter into a playground confrontation - and win.

Reconstructing the Inner Beer Monster

The definitive study of the tout de bouche, pas de pantalons syndrome, from the team that brought you Loaded. Did you go their Xmas party? Monday night at the Clapham Grand. It was crap.

Inner Light, Outdoor Loo

Aaron Shine writes: "The outdoor loo, with its spartan ritual and aesthetic rigour, was once central to our culture. But indoor plumbing has gradually eroded the no-nonsense-in-and-out values of previous generations. Now we languish, reading Habitat catalogues in centrally-heated prisons with quilted four-ply tissue. But we can reclaim our heritage and follow the path of the Brass Monkeys. If you like your personal growth tinged with a whiff of bleach and damp walls, like I do, then this book is for you."

Glamour is Paranoia Spelt Backwards

by Dr Guy Nisbett, PhD, MDMA, DMT, 2CB, ASAP

The critics raved about Dr Nisbett's seminal work on the futile search for a cute girlfriend who's not emotionally crippled and/or pharmacologically challenged somewhere among London's coke-addled nightclub habituees. His pioneering work continues.

Heal Your Habitat Habit at Heals

Understanding how major houseware manufacturers soak up your weekend leisure time is the key to a more fruitful and dynamic existence. Why buy bookshelves, for instance, when you could be reading a self-help book instead?

Heal Your Heals Habit at Habitat

The prize-winning companion volume to the above.

Lottery I-Ching

Throw a set of yarrow stalks and get double bubble with the Lottery I- Ching. Now you can consult the world's oldest resonance system while simultaneously choosing your lucky Lottery formula. Saves all important psychic energy for more important tasks, like reading...

The Zen of DIY

How to put up bookshelves without effort. Impress your friends and lovers with your handicraft skills. This book gives you all the non-conceptual tools you'll need to shatter dualistic vision. You'll never consult a spirit level again.

The Tao of DIY

The definitive guide to off-road DIY. Build a tree house or a mountain retreat cabin. Laugh yourself sick at jokes nobody else finds funny. When you're hungry, eat. When you're finished, clean your bowl. And remember, the Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao (available on audio cassette only).

Getting in touch with the Cheeky Half

Remember the days of the Cheeky Half, before it all went horribly Pete Tong? Of course you don't. From the shysters who brought you all those dodgy rave fanzines, a book that helps you recreate the spiritual highs of the good old days that nobody actually remembers because they were all too monged on Ecstasy. A book so heavy that you hands will fly up in the air every time you put it down.

Goldfishing: How to hone your Attention Span

In this demanding world, paying too much attention to any one thing, like life, can seriously damage your true potential for self-discovery and stuff. A goldfish has a six-second attention span, allowing him to discover the universe afresh ten times a minute! This book will show you how to utilise these same incredible powers, freeing you from constant awareness of your surroundings, leaving more space and time for self-help books