Lady and the tramp

THE DIARY OF EMMA D MAY

Sunday 12.01am: Wandering down East-End backstreets looking for pub with convenient lock-in. Unfortunately, most seem to say "Closed due to crack dealing on premises", which, at least, is honest. "Glad to see Zero Tolerance is working somewhere," says Vikram. Feeling perturbed by peculiar changes in Dylan. Vikram reports sighting of boxer shorts drying in D's flat, suggesting that he is now washing his underwear. Anna claims that aftershave overpowering his usual Eau de Skunkweed scent.

12.20am: Eventually find pub which looks like has been transported wholesale from EastEnders set. Landlady suspiciously like Babs Windsor. Eye Dylan cautiously. He has ordered a glass of wine, for God's sake.

12.20am: Conversation stunted due to (a) raucous pub chorus of "Roll Out the Barrel" (b) fact we've been drinking since 11am (c) mysterious Dylan behaviour (d) EastEnders setting making us all maudlin about Bianca losing her baby. Keep wanting to tell Babs the barmaid how sorry we are. "You all right, Dylan?" says Vikram. New Dylan smiles beatifically at some mysterious warm feeling which, for once, appears not to be drug-induced.

1.30am: "There can only be one answer," says Anna, smacking the black ball triumphantly into the pool-table pocket. "Dylan's in love." Feel concerned that she may be trying to divert attention from her outburst at D's birthday party, where she confessed to having shagged Earl Spencer. "About the serial adulterer... " I say, casually. "I've, erm, decided 'Spencer Took Me In the University Debating Chamber Toilets' wasn't really worth the two grand," says Anna. Try not to look too relieved. "Good shag, though," she adds, regretfully. "Shame he was such a bastard." But then, that's what she always says.

2.15am: The Met have nothing on me and Anna. We've cajoled, bullied and emotionally blackmailed Dylan. We've played Good Cop Bad Cop, acted betrayed, said we're worried about him, said if he doesn't confess we'll be forced to start taking the piss out of him about the after-shave smell he is emitting... "It's just a new deodorant," says Dylan, casually, as if he were a perfectly normal person. "What happened to 'Nature's smells are the best' and 'Hair cleans itself'?" asks Vikram. New Dylan saved by the mobile. "Hello?" he says, too eagerly. Then, relieved: "Hi... fine... yeah, great." He has gone bright red. Anna snatches mobile. "Who is this, please?"

2.30am: "It was Camilla, that girl from Dylan's birthday party," Anna reports. "Now, Dylan," she says, switching into barrister mode. "Would it be fair to describe Camilla as your new 'lady friend'?" Dylan mumbles into his wine glass. "The court can't hear you," says Anna. "Yes," says Dylan, miserably. Vikram slaps him on the back in a primeval response triggered, presumably, by his Loaded gene.

3.30am: Start to feel worried about the whole Dylan-Camilla thing. What do her parents do? How many A-levels has she got? Does she think Dylan is one of those dreadlocked trustafarians who spend their twenties living in a squat and then inherit millions when grandma passes away? "Only met her for two minutes," says Vikram. "She seemed, erm, posh."

4am: Irritating winner-stays-on rules mean New Dylan now playing pool with scary East-End villain with "hate" tattooed on knuckles of left hand, but, worryingly, no sign of "love" on right. Where are Phil and Grant when you need them? "Can we meet her, then?" I ask Dylan, tentatively. He mis-cues, to Hate-Knuckles' delight. "Meet who?" says Dylan. "Next Saturday," says Anna, "we're all going out and Lady Camilla's coming too." Dylan looks perplexed. "How did you know she's a Lady?" Swear I can hear the EastEnders cliffhanger drumbeat sounding behind us as we all stand open-mouthed.

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookA wonderful selection of salads, starters and mains featuring venison, grouse and other game
News
Richard Norris in GQ
mediaGQ features photo shoot with man who underwent full face transplant
News
Gardai wait for the naked man, who had gone for a skinny dip in Belfast Lough
newsTwo skinny dippers threatened with inclusion on sex offenders’ register as naturists criminalised
News
Your picture is everything in the shallow world of online dating
i100
News
The Swiss Re tower or 'Gherkin' was at one time the UK’s most expensive office when German bank IVG and private equity firm Evans Randall bought it
news
Life and Style
Attractive women on the Internet: not a myth
techOkCupid boasts about Facebook-style experiments on users
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Project Coordinator

    Competitive: The Green Recruitment Company: The Organisation: The Green Recrui...

    Project Manager (HR)- Bristol - Upto £400 p/day

    £350 - £400 per annum + competitive: Orgtel: Project Manager (specializing in ...

    Embedded Linux Engineer

    £40000 - £50000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: Embedded Sof...

    Senior Hardware Design Engineer - Broadcast

    £50000 - £65000 per annum + Benefits: Progressive Recruitment: Working for a m...

    Day In a Page

    The children were playing in the street with toy guns. The air strikes were tragically real

    The air strikes were tragically real

    The children were playing in the street with toy guns
    Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite – The British, as others see us

    Britain as others see us

    Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite
    Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them altogether

    Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them

    Jonathon Porritt sounds the alarm
    How did our legends really begin?

    How did our legends really begin?

    Applying the theory of evolution to the world's many mythologies
    Watch out: Lambrusco is back on the menu

    Lambrusco is back on the menu

    Naff Seventies corner-shop staple is this year's Aperol Spritz
    A new Russian revolution: Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc

    A new Russian revolution

    Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc
    Eugene de Kock: Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

    Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

    The debate rages in South Africa over whether Eugene de Kock should ever be released from jail
    Standing my ground: If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?

    Standing my ground

    If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?
    Commonwealth Games 2014: Dai Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

    Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

    Welsh hurdler was World, European and Commonwealth champion, but then the injuries crept in
    Israel-Gaza conflict: Secret report helps Israelis to hide facts

    Patrick Cockburn: Secret report helps Israel to hide facts

    The slickness of Israel's spokesmen is rooted in directions set down by pollster Frank Luntz
    The man who dared to go on holiday

    The man who dared to go on holiday

    New York's mayor has taken a vacation - in a nation that has still to enforce paid leave, it caused quite a stir, reports Rupert Cornwell
    Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business, from Sarah Millican to Marcus Brigstocke

    Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business

    For all those wanting to know how stand-ups keep standing, here are some of the best moments
    The Guest List 2014: Forget the Man Booker longlist, Literary Editor Katy Guest offers her alternative picks

    The Guest List 2014

    Forget the Man Booker longlist, Literary Editor Katy Guest offers her alternative picks
    Jokes on Hollywood: 'With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on'

    Jokes on Hollywood

    With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on