Love Island's dating lessons we never thought we'd learn

'Do you know what, now I look at it, it looks like a nipple. What even is a nipple? I’m asking myself so many questions now'

(Rex Features)

Who would’ve thought that a bunch of avaricious, scantily-clad singletons, who may or may not be able to read and write, could keep an entire nation enraptured in their salty-yet-muggy universe, where tuna melts and thong bikinis collide with exquisitely produced gaiety.

For the past two months, we have been a nation divided. And for once, we’re not talking about Brexit – though if you mentioned it to any of the Love Island contestants they’d probably giggle and retort: “that’s a funny word for breakfast”.

Approximately 2 million Brits have tuned into ITV2’s hit dating show this summer, separating the UK into two opposing camps: those who watch Love Island and those who pretend that they don’t.

In its third series, the show follows the trials and tribulations of a group of impossibly lithe-limbed models/influencers/ambivalently self-described “businessmen”, who are thrown together in a luxury villa in Mallorca and essentially obliged to mate, or “couple-up”, as they call it. Think Lord Of The Flies meets Sense & Sensibility, only with an almost Shakespearean re-imagining of the English language.

Here are just a few of the age-old nuggets of wisdom we’ve picked up along the way.

1. If all of their eggs aren’t in your basket (i.e. enough for a feeble scramble rather than a Spanish tortilla), it’s time to mug them off

Everyone knows that in order for any relationship to succeed, eggs and baskets play a crucial role. If someone is fully invested in you, they will metaphorically invest each and every one of their freshly-hatched eggs into your neatly-woven basket. How can you tell if this is the case, and they’re not just playing the game? When you’re declaring your love for one another through a series of riddles or saying happy birthday to one another via the delightfully millennial method of avocado toast. If you’re really confused, ask yourself if salty is just another way to describe how you like your chips. When you know, you know.

2. Jump ship at the first sight of “ick”

Ah the dreaded “ick”. It’s basically like seeing a beautifully ripe plum and quickly realising that said plum has been infested by ants. For example, when Olivia decided to friend-zone Sam after just one week because he was giving her “the ick”, so she said, before moving onto her now farm-boy-turned-rapping-prodigy boyfriend Chris.

3. Text in hashtags, for dramatic effect

Whenever something major is about to happen in the realm of Love Island i.e. someone is about to get dumped/someone has to go to an actual supermarket to buy actual food, it is communicated by a text and a string of clarifying hashtags. It adds a certain je ne sai quoi to the language of love, and is strongly advocated by the Love Island gurus #PrayForCashHughes #SaveThePolarBear

4. Life is short, stick it on ‘em

Love Island only takes place within the brevity of two months, but that doesn’t mean us mere mortals ought to beat around the bush in the real world when it comes to matters of the heart. Those feisty islanders wasted no time in sticking it on one another (in the immensely-complex Love Island lexicon this loosely translates to making a move on the person of your heart’s desire). Get in there before Muggy Mike comes along.

5. Always make sure your hummus is olive-free

One of the highlights in Love Island history has got to be Kem and Chris’s deeply philosophical ponderings on the crucial hummus/carrot/olive scenario. “Get the carrot into the f***ing hummus,” said Chris. “That’s the thing, I f***ing love humus, but at the moment what’s been going on is, we’ve been getting the hummus with olives in and I just don’t like the taste of it," Kem replied, like a wise owl with a penchant for culinary excellence. “Exactly, and then finally, you ditched olives today", affirmed Chris. But then, things started to get complex. "What I’m thinking is, breadstick, celery, carrot, change it up, see how you feel." This deeply transcendental conversation was then followed by a deli-inspired rap. If music be the food of love…