Is there always this much toe sucking? What I thought watching Love Island for the first time ever

Having never watched the dating series before, Kate Ng shares her inner monologue as Britain welcomes Love Island back to the small screen

Toby Amorolaran sucking a toe during ‘Love Island’’s debut episode (ITV)

Shortly before I settled down for my first-ever viewing of Love Island, my husband wished me luck and mentally left the room. I say mentally because there is no other room for him to relocate to, but he made it extremely clear I was on my own for this new experience. Thank goodness for the company of some Love Island-crazed friends and Twitter.

The dating series is back after a two-year hiatus - put on ice like most of our plans thanks to the pandemic. I’ve never felt any inclination to watch it - I don’t understand the premise and can’t see the appeal in watching sexy people snog, fight, get rejected or fall in lust on national TV.

But last year, I watched Love Is Blind after I ran out of options on Netflix and became completely obsessed. So I decided to give the ITV2 show a try - if nothing else, it’ll be a good laugh, right? And given the excitement on social media in anticipation for its return you’d think Laura Whitmore was booking us all a free holiday to a green-list destination.

The show starts and all I can think is, why is everyone so hot? Every single person is way too hot. Are abs a prerequisite for contestant applications? I look at my pudge and sigh, but then I remember I ate a delicious spaghetti dinner and have no regrets.

The first two ladies have arrived, Liberty and Kaz. They’re drop-dead gorgeous, but how are they going to open that champagne bottle with those nails? Oh, they can’t. It’s taken two women to open a champagne bottle, which I suppose is only mildly embarrassing. We then find out that Liberty is 21 and my jaw drops. My husband pipes up: “There’s no way she’s 21!!” Ah-HAH, so he hasn’t checked out completely. I suspect the allure of very sexy people has reeled him in too.

Every single person is way too hot. Are abs a prerequisite for contestant applications?

Kaz has declared she just wants a guy to “rail her”, a level of honesty which I respect very much. But don’t worry Kaz, after a year of lockdown-enforced celibacy for single people, if nobody in this villa wants to rail you, I’ll eat my shoes.

My mind is quickly distracted away from high-speed rails by the Department of Transport’s Sharon entering the villa. Sharon has already made headlines this week for the audacity of being both a government employee and having her sex life be a topic of national discussion. At least she quit her civil servant job before doing it.

At this point I’m also left wondering how our Sharon is keeping her nipples hidden in her underboob-revealing bikini? Only then more underboob appears with the arrival of Faye, whose blue bikini looks stunning. But seriously, how are they all not falling out? Love Island fashion team, call me, I need the secrets.

The women talk among themselves by way of introduction and Liberty shares that she finds “salty lips” a turn-off. She explains that she means kissing guys who have sweat on their lips, which is a very specific turn-off. How many sweaty-lipped men has she kissed?

Shannon is the last woman to arrive, and she looks like a Bollywood star. Once again, I have to reiterate that all of these women are extremely good-looking. Will the men match up?

The pairing ceremony continues and I find myself thinking it’s all got a bit cattle market

Jake is the first to be paraded out, with plenty of fake tan and abs for days. Within literal minutes he has decided he wants to tell everyone about his “massive foot fetish” and wants a girl who is “blonde, blue eyes, little feet”. My toes curl in horror and Twitter loses its mind.

Then the pairing begins. Jake matches with Liberty (blonde, yes, blue eyes, yes, but no chance to measure her feet...). The pairing ceremony continues with the arrival of Aaron, and I find myself thinking it’s all got a bit cattle market. Admittedly, I had also tuned out a little. There’s only so much hot-people-parading I can take. But then none of the women step forward for Hugo and I cringe, I can’t imagine anything worse than that happening for all of Britain to see.

Nobody steps forward for Toby either, and it all starts to feel a bit mean. Oh no, Toby has picked Faye after Hugo picked her, but that relegates Hugo to the subs bench, which has a very sloppy seconds feel. Unbelievably, no one has picked Kaz. I might have to eat my shoes after all.

Finally, Brad comes out and he looks like a Colgate model. I mean, this man’s dental work is dazzling. Faye has now been chosen three times, and nobody picked Kaz or Sharon, which makes me feel sad. The only black and Southeast Asian women on the show and last to be picked? Come on. Anyway, they all get paired off in the end and are sent on their merry way.

I check the time and realise there’s still a good chunk of the show left to go. Does it really need to be one and a half hours long? The next segment is a bit of a snooze, the couples chat, and I scroll through Twitter again. I’m stunned by the number of memes that have popped up in real time. At this point I realise there is an episode of Love Island on every single night (except Saturdays) for the next eight weeks, I’m gobsmacked. Every night?! What have I signed up to?

Things are picking up a little bit now that Jake’s found a mystery box. Inside, there are dares for each couple - Jake does a full-on Magic Mike show for Liberty, and Faye snogs Brad for 30 seconds while everyone looks on awkwardly. And, oh god. Toby (not the self-declared foot fetishist) has been dared to suck Kaz’s toes. Jake (the foot man) excitedly records the whole thing and then asks Toby what it tasted like, to which Toby very sensibly replies: “Like toes.”

What’s this? A new woman named Chloe has turned up and is warning that any girl should be worried about their men around her. She’s sent Toby a voice note, which he plays out loud and everyone appears to be gobsmacked. I thought it sounded very cringey though, with her attempts to sound breathy and sexy coming out like she’s reading a script.

It is around now that it starts to feel all Hunger Games, and I find myself wondering if Shannon will be glad to send Aaron in Chloe’s direction, she’s been talking all night about how he isn’t her type. Perhaps this is why people get so invested in this series, it’s all in the pursuit of that elusive chemistry.

Overall, my first experience of Love Island has been eye-opening, to say the least. I enjoy the sex positivity and some of it is entertaining, but it also feels a lot like voyeurism, which I suppose is part of the appeal. The women have far more interesting personalities than the men so far, but maybe this will change the further we get in. There are, after all, a lot of episodes to go.