Open Eye: First Tuesday - Oxymoron? Or is it academic progress?

Exactly what, a German friend asked the other day, is an oxymoron?

It's usually easier to give an illustration than to define "sharply foolish" (Question: is the definition of oxymoron itself an oxymoron?) so I threw at him what is probably the most frequently- quoted example: "Military Intelligence."

This was lost on him, but it does give me the opportunity to relate that a Nato general recently told a former colleague of mine, rather condescendingly, he thought, that his reporting from Croatia had been "not inaccurate" - offering the Heaven-sent providence for him to reply: "Which is more than can be said for your bombing..."

But I digress.

"Epicurean Pessimist", coined by Voltaire in 1890, didn't work for Uli either.

I tried "Considerate German" with similar results, and then "Friendly Fire". It was not until somewhere after "Good Lawyer" and "Helpful Accountant" and between "Free Service" and "Internet Helpline" that he finally twigged.

"Ach zo!" he exclaimed (I exaggerate only slightly).

"Then what about 'Open University'?"

At this stage I was sorely tempted to sprint back to the top of this column and add "German Friend" to the list.

Instead, overcome, apparently, by a fit of diplomacy, I went into the spiel (Good German Word?) about the OU's being open as to access, open as to opportunity, open as to distance, to people, to places, to methods, to ideas...

He said that of course he knew all that.

He was, he said, referring to every other university.

There's probably no such thing, these days, anywhere, I conceded, as an open campus.

I remember how one vice- chancellor of my acquaintance was heartbroken at the realisation that he had to approve manned entrance barriers and gates, and coded locks on all the doors, in addition to having every scanner, computer screen and hard drive bolted down to prevent their walking.

(When I first went to Fleet Street, I had tried to console him, all the typewriters were chained down - but that was less to prevent theft than to stop reporters throwing them. This was before the discovery of Stress Counselling.)

So what about student access to conventional universities, Ulrich persisted. They're hardly "open", are they?

But they are. They are. We have this constant quote about how in my day only three per cent went to university, and now it's more than ten times that number. And the scurrilous Press, especially of the broadsheet persuasion, is always searching for - and, shock, horror, inevitably, finding - instances of degree courses in Brick-laying and Golf Studies.

And when they have exposed these and similar outrages they move on to how standards for admission have declined from three high-grade A-levels, in their day, to the ability to spell "eleven-plus". (By the way, in my experience, nine out of ten graduates are unable to spell the word "overdraft".)

How "open" can you get?

How "open" do you want?

And the conventional universities have just gone through this great annual trauma of "clearing", which always seems to concentrate the mind. I received an e-mail during August from a bemused friend at a former polytechnic with the message:

"We need only 4,000 more students - and then we'll have achieved our recruitment target for this year!"

Sounds pretty open to me.

Of course, it shouldn't matter to "conventional" universities, any more than it does to the OU: what matters is not so much what you've done, as what you can do. If you start a degree, can you finish it?

There's one university on mainland Europe - the only one, I believe, that has more than the OU's 160,000 students - which has a drop-out rate of 70 per cent.

Bums on seats are all very well, but this one has more bums than it has chairs, so the likelihood is that, if everybody turned up, some would perforce be sent home.

Eventually, like distance learning (this space, last month), they will all get round to doing things the OU way.

But don't hold your breath. As I could have said to Uli, there's such a thing as "Academic Progress"...

Users of the OU alumni website (www.openlink.org) may be scanning these pages for a handful of reviews of books by OU graduates, as promised in a recent round-robin to registered members. The reviews have been forced out by pressure on space but will appear in the October 5 issue. Meanwhile, if any reader and OU graduate or student (or staff member, even) is about to burst into print, it would be a good idea to ensure that a review copy is sent to Open Eye at the address opposite. If we don't know about it, we can't write about it. Or should we perhaps add to the list, "Modest Author"?

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookPart of The Independent’s new eBook series The Great Composers
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Ashdown Group: Digital Marketing Executive - West London - £35,000

    £28000 - £35000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A luxury fashion retailer based in W...

    Ashdown Group: IT Systems Engineer - East Riding of Yorkshire

    £30000 - £35000 per annum: Ashdown Group: IT Systems Engineer - East Riding of...

    Recruitment Genius: IT Technician / Epos Engineer - Crayford

    £15000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This retail and hospitality til...

    Recruitment Genius: HP Technical Support Analyst

    £45000 - £55000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This rapidly expanding IT Manag...

    Day In a Page

    Homeless Veterans campaign: Donations hit record-breaking £1m target after £300,000 gift from Lloyds Bank

    Homeless Veterans campaign

    Donations hit record-breaking £1m target after huge gift from Lloyds Bank
    Flight MH370 a year on: Lost without a trace – but the search goes on

    Lost without a trace

    But, a year on, the search continues for Flight MH370
    Germany's spymasters left red-faced after thieves break into brand new secret service HQ and steal taps

    Germany's spy HQ springs a leak

    Thieves break into new €1.5bn complex... to steal taps
    International Women's Day 2015: Celebrating the whirlwind wit of Simone de Beauvoir

    Whirlwind wit of Simone de Beauvoir

    Simone de Beauvoir's seminal feminist polemic, 'The Second Sex', has been published in short-form for International Women's Day
    Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

    Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

    Why would I want to employ someone I’d be happy to have as my boss, asks Simon Kelner
    Confessions of a planespotter: With three Britons under arrest in the UAE, the perils have never been more apparent

    Confessions of a planespotter

    With three Britons under arrest in the UAE, the perils have never been more apparent. Sam Masters explains the appeal
    Russia's gulag museum 'makes no mention' of Stalin's atrocities

    Russia's gulag museum

    Ministry of Culture-run site 'makes no mention' of Stalin's atrocities
    The big fresh food con: Alarming truth behind the chocolate muffin that won't decay

    The big fresh food con

    Joanna Blythman reveals the alarming truth behind the chocolate muffin that won't decay
    Virginia Ironside was my landlady: What is it like to live with an agony aunt on call 24/7?

    Virginia Ironside was my landlady

    Tim Willis reveals what it's like to live with an agony aunt on call 24/7
    Paris Fashion Week 2015: The wit and wisdom of Manish Arora's exercise in high camp

    Paris Fashion Week 2015

    The wit and wisdom of Manish Arora's exercise in high camp
    8 best workout DVDs

    8 best workout DVDs

    If your 'New Year new you' regime hasn’t lasted beyond February, why not try working out from home?
    Paul Scholes column: I don't believe Jonny Evans was spitting at Papiss Cissé. It was a reflex. But what the Newcastle striker did next was horrible

    Paul Scholes column

    I don't believe Evans was spitting at Cissé. It was a reflex. But what the Newcastle striker did next was horrible
    Miguel Layun interview: From the Azteca to Vicarage Road with a million followers

    From the Azteca to Vicarage Road with a million followers

    Miguel Layun is a star in Mexico where he was criticised for leaving to join Watford. But he says he sees the bigger picture
    Frank Warren column: Amir Khan ready to meet winner of Floyd Mayweather v Manny Pacquiao

    Khan ready to meet winner of Mayweather v Pacquiao

    The Bolton fighter is unlikely to take on Kell Brook with two superstar opponents on the horizon, says Frank Warren
    War with Isis: Iraq's government fights to win back Tikrit from militants - but then what?

    Baghdad fights to win back Tikrit from Isis – but then what?

    Patrick Cockburn reports from Kirkuk on a conflict which sectarianism has made intractable