Queen's English (part two)
Thursday 21 May 1998
Peterphile Supporter of Peter Tatchell. Yes, I'm making it up...
Pillow Friend Somewhere between a Trick and a Lover. You have fairly regular fun but he just doesn't make your heart skip a beat. Of course, if it did skip a beat it might be angina.
Rainbow Flag A symbol of unity that, being queer, of course clashes with everything. Which doesn't stop some queens from wrapping themselves in the flag and routinely doing the Gayer-Than-Thou number. Don't they know only maximum security prisoners look good in stripes?
Scare-do Lily Savage has one. And Peggy Mitchell. Tony Blair, too.
Seafood When you're in the Navy.
SOS Shopping and other Sins. When you pick-up that fabulous little number you've been lusting after, and then pick up the other fabulous little number you've been lusting after. Capisci?
Straight but not narrow Heterosexual who doesn't mind homosexuals even a teeny-tiny bit. Often spotted with Elvis, the Dodo and the Loch Ness monster.
Straightening up the house What the closeted do when family visits. Off the wall come the Mapplethorpe prints, up go the Pamela Anderson posters.
Queen of denial It used to be Cleopatra. Currently, deluded Grecian 2000-addicted saddo who's convinced himself that his 18-year-old rent boy really does love him. Or that you can't spot his love handles in that spray-on D&G top. Take Barbra and Celine's advice: "Tell Him..."
TPT Trailer Park Trash. Usually your ex or the skag queen with crypt breath who stole your ex. See also: Sun columnists.
Trade Once meant a straight man who thought, "Hell, why not"; evolved to suggest a bit of rough, a hit-and-run encounter and COD sex. Also a famously gay techno club with little or no air conditioning where the girlfriends sweat so much it actually rains inside the room. That's attractive.
Trixie One-night stand merchant: "You're looking for true love? Then skip Miss Trixie Trueheart - that bitch doesn't even ask for for a name, rank or serial number."
Twinkie A headless Chicken or TQ (Teen Queen) so dense light has been known to bend around him. Thinks he's sensitive when he only has sensitive skin. Thinks he's cute when he's only convenient. Named after a cheap chocolate snack with a sticky filling famous for giving the purchaser a quick sugar buzz and then making them throw up. If that is not warning enough, clock the catchphrase: "I've been hurt before." And again and again and again...
Vanity Smurf Someone who can never get quite enough of himself or his reflection. The love of his own life. A self-made man who worships his creator.
Vogue Fag fashion bible, former dance craze and how Pogue would be spelt if it began with a V. Pogue, by the by, was a First World War code word for a passive homosexual. If you don't believe me, crank up his hearing- aid and ask Grandad. Or join hands around a table. Whichever applies.
Wannabe Heterosexual who passes for gay because that's where the action is and the music's better. Also labelled Stray/Meterosexual/Silly Bitch, though writer A A Gill belatedly wrinkled his brow and came up with Hetero- Gay. Yawn.
Trauma What homosexuals have when they run out of Apricot Facial Scrub. Nervous breakdowns are reserved for dinner guests who cancel at the last moment and Valentino jeans that suddenly feel tight.
Wrecked Sort of outing someone: "Iain told his mother I was his flatmate, so when she came to dinner I knotted his tie, cut his food and felt his butt. He was wrecked. Mommie Dearest didn't look none too good either."
Diving in at the deep end is no excuse for shirking the style stakes
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