Queen's English (part two)
Thursday 21 May 1998
Peterphile Supporter of Peter Tatchell. Yes, I'm making it up...
Pillow Friend Somewhere between a Trick and a Lover. You have fairly regular fun but he just doesn't make your heart skip a beat. Of course, if it did skip a beat it might be angina.
Rainbow Flag A symbol of unity that, being queer, of course clashes with everything. Which doesn't stop some queens from wrapping themselves in the flag and routinely doing the Gayer-Than-Thou number. Don't they know only maximum security prisoners look good in stripes?
Scare-do Lily Savage has one. And Peggy Mitchell. Tony Blair, too.
Seafood When you're in the Navy.
SOS Shopping and other Sins. When you pick-up that fabulous little number you've been lusting after, and then pick up the other fabulous little number you've been lusting after. Capisci?
Straight but not narrow Heterosexual who doesn't mind homosexuals even a teeny-tiny bit. Often spotted with Elvis, the Dodo and the Loch Ness monster.
Straightening up the house What the closeted do when family visits. Off the wall come the Mapplethorpe prints, up go the Pamela Anderson posters.
Queen of denial It used to be Cleopatra. Currently, deluded Grecian 2000-addicted saddo who's convinced himself that his 18-year-old rent boy really does love him. Or that you can't spot his love handles in that spray-on D&G top. Take Barbra and Celine's advice: "Tell Him..."
TPT Trailer Park Trash. Usually your ex or the skag queen with crypt breath who stole your ex. See also: Sun columnists.
Trade Once meant a straight man who thought, "Hell, why not"; evolved to suggest a bit of rough, a hit-and-run encounter and COD sex. Also a famously gay techno club with little or no air conditioning where the girlfriends sweat so much it actually rains inside the room. That's attractive.
Trixie One-night stand merchant: "You're looking for true love? Then skip Miss Trixie Trueheart - that bitch doesn't even ask for for a name, rank or serial number."
Twinkie A headless Chicken or TQ (Teen Queen) so dense light has been known to bend around him. Thinks he's sensitive when he only has sensitive skin. Thinks he's cute when he's only convenient. Named after a cheap chocolate snack with a sticky filling famous for giving the purchaser a quick sugar buzz and then making them throw up. If that is not warning enough, clock the catchphrase: "I've been hurt before." And again and again and again...
Vanity Smurf Someone who can never get quite enough of himself or his reflection. The love of his own life. A self-made man who worships his creator.
Vogue Fag fashion bible, former dance craze and how Pogue would be spelt if it began with a V. Pogue, by the by, was a First World War code word for a passive homosexual. If you don't believe me, crank up his hearing- aid and ask Grandad. Or join hands around a table. Whichever applies.
Wannabe Heterosexual who passes for gay because that's where the action is and the music's better. Also labelled Stray/Meterosexual/Silly Bitch, though writer A A Gill belatedly wrinkled his brow and came up with Hetero- Gay. Yawn.
Trauma What homosexuals have when they run out of Apricot Facial Scrub. Nervous breakdowns are reserved for dinner guests who cancel at the last moment and Valentino jeans that suddenly feel tight.
Wrecked Sort of outing someone: "Iain told his mother I was his flatmate, so when she came to dinner I knotted his tie, cut his food and felt his butt. He was wrecked. Mommie Dearest didn't look none too good either."
Life & Style blogs
Google Maps hides image of Android robot urinating on Apple in surprisingly insolent Easter egg
KickassTorrents down: new Isle of Man domain taken offline just hours after launch
Company breaks open Apple Watch to discover what it says is 'planned obsolescence'
The confessions of men who ordered mail-order brides
What do the emoji on Snapchat mean?
General Election 2015: Chuka Umunna on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband
The sickening truth about food banks that the Tories don't want you to know
Migrant boat disaster: Ukip candidate mocks victims in sickening Twitter post
Nigel Farage wants the BBC to stop making programmes like Doctor Who, Strictly Come Dancing, and Top Gear
Global warming: Scientists say temperatures could rise by 6C by 2100 and call for action ahead of UN meeting in Paris
General Election 2015: Britain would become a 'communist dictatorship' under Ed Miliband and Nicola Sturgeon, claims wife of Michael Gove
- 1 Migrant crisis: Greek soldier saved 20 people singlehandedly off Rhodes beach
- 2 Sofyen Belamouadden murder: The inside story of a crime that horrified Britain
- 3 Company breaks open Apple Watch to discover what it says is 'planned obsolescence'
- 4 Aaron and Melissa Klein: Oregon anti-gay bakers ordered to pay $135,000 after refusing to make cake for same-sex wedding
- 5 UK weather: Britain braced for snow as arctic air mass moves in
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