Thanksgiving: How to survive the awkward family dinner

You have just moments left before the Horrible Day finds its dawning. Are you prepared?

The turkey doesn't have to be the main culinary attraction at Thanksgiving (Blend Images/REX Shutterstock)

They have clustered around the table. The bird is slain and it lies before you, browned in its own suppurations. You behold it, cold sweat trickling down your face.

These next hours are the ones that mark the difference between the weak and the strong, those who survive and those who fall. That is why, every year, there are so many pieces warning you How To Talk To Your Uncle and How To Get Through Your Family Arguments At Thanksgiving. You need this advice to survive.

You have just moments left before the Horrible Day finds its dawning. Are you prepared? Are you armed with your trident and your flexible throwing net? Are your reflexes sharpened and your skills honed? Will you make it through the holiday before they unleash The Uncle?

Here are the only tips I can give. Godspeed, and may the odds be in your favor.

Your cousin mentions Jeb Bush with approval.

Nod politely. This is not a threat. This is an effort to buy peace before the carnage commences.

Your father hands you a puzzle box. “I thought of you, Travis,” he says.

THE PUZZLE IS A PORTAL TO HELL! DO NOT AT ANY COST SOLVE THE PUZZLE!

Your aunt asks when you’re going to have children.

This is rude, but it is not out of character for your aunt.

Your aunt asks when you are going to have “human children.”

THIS IS NOT YOUR AUNT. GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT.

Your aunt asks, “There is a turtle on a fencepost cooking to death in the hot sun. WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING HIM?”

Your aunt is attempting to determine if you are a replicant.

Your grandmother’s hand hovers over a button on the recliner. “Do you believe in luck, Travis?” she asks.

Do not allow her to press the button, or a steel trapdoor will open to release the Crookbacked Monster who dwells beneath the floorboards, and you will have to fight him to the death.

Your grandmother tells you to sit at the “kids’ table,” but when you look where she is pointing, it is just an array of steel spikes crowned with the heads of her enemies.

Say, “Terrific! Just let me wash my hands.” Dive through the bathroom window.

Your cousin has been locked in the bathroom for three hours. Whenever you knock, she says, “I’m fine.”

Your cousin is experiencing The Hideous Becoming. Barricade the door from the outside. Place a line of salt outside the bathroom and have your nuclear family whisper a secret into the keyhole of the door. Even this cannot keep you safe for long, and you must prepare to evacuate the house.

Your cousin drops some stuffing on the floor.

How much stuffing?

Your cousin drops a SUSPICIOUS AMOUNT of stuffing on the floor.

TAKE COVER UNDER ANY SURFACE YOU CAN. YOUR COUSIN IS SUMMONING HER TRAINED FLOCK OF KILLER GEESE, WHO RESPECT NO MAN.

Your aunt says, “I like that Bernie Sanders.”

This is fine.

Your aunt says, “I like that Bernie Sanders. Bagabi laca bachabe. Lamc cahi achababe. Karrelyos Lamac lamec—” as her head begins to spin.

YOUR AUNT IS SUMMONING SATAN. GET OUT GET OUT RIGHT NOW.

Your mother wants to know why you’re not with “that nice Audrey” anymore.

This is the code phrase. Meet her in the kitchen and take whatever makeshift wooden weapons she provides you.

“More wine?” “It is so good to have everyone here in one place.” “Have you thought about freezing your eggs?”

Avoid these at all cost. These are all code phrases that will unleash The Uncle.

When The Uncle Is Unleashed:

DO NOT break eye contact. The Uncle can sense your fear.

DO NOT approach The Uncle from behind. This will startle him, and startled Uncles are unpredictable and may lash out.

Make your body as large as possible, wave your arms and emit loud screeches. The Uncle responds to displays of dominance.

If The Uncle ensnares you in his net, remain calm. Cut your way out with your turkey knife, or use a trident to distract him.

If you have time before The Uncle spots you, cover your whole body in mud so that he cannot sense you with his infrared vision. Remain very, very still and wait until the holiday is over.

Remember: This is Thanksgiving. You are not safe. No one is safe.

I have also written a straight version of this trope. It is here.

Washington Post