THE DIARY OF BRIDGET JONES

Thursday 20 April

8st 12 (yes!), alcohol units 2, cigarettes 30 (swings & roundabouts), calories 966 (VG)

Feel strange, perhaps unnatural, affinity with Victoria Althorp, with her addictions and weight obsession. Wonder if self will soon have to check into similar clinic. But why have so many children when things are so rocky? Is it possible to get addicted to children, too? Weight 6st 7, alcohol units 14, Children 7. Hate thought of world being full of unsuspected new pitfalls for addictive personalities. Strangely perplexed also about Tuesday's date with Dr Rogers. I do not think Dr Rogers, or rather "Peter", is gay any more, for the following reasons:

1) He has an ex-long-term girlfriend.

2) After he drove me home (own car, drank only one glass of wine, clearly not alcoholic - unless exaggerated cover-up - all excellent signs), he stopped the car and leaned forward to give me what I anticipated as a "peck". But no. It was one of those on-mouth kissettes with a question mark attached, followed by another. I was too startled to respond.

Or was it that? Had it been Daniel, nothing, even wild pigs in the car, could have prevented me tearing the buttons off his shirt. So why no response to Dr Rogers? He is perfect. We are going for a walk in the country on Sunday. Maybe he is gay but doesn't know it but my body secretly understands. Maybe I have turned frigid.

Monday 24 April

9st 3lb ( better than eating disorder), alcohol units 4, cigarettes 19, calories 1,234

Depressed as do not love eminently suitable Dr Rogers with his stupid country walks. Love mad badly behaved Daniel. Depressed also by constant lateness for work, and failure to address in-tray bulging with threats from bailiffs etc. Resolve to investigate with time and motion study on self.

7am Get weighed.

7.03 Return to bed in sulk over weight. Head-state bad. Sleeping or getting up equally out of question. Think about Daniel.

7.30 Hunger pangs force self out of bed. Make coffee, consider grapefruit, defrost chocolate croissant.

7.35-7.50 Look out of window.

7.55 Open wardrobe. Stare at clothes.

8.00 Select shirt. Try to find black lycra mini skirt. Pull clothes out of bottom of wardrobe in quest of skirt. Go through drawers and search behind bedroom chair. Go through ironing basket. Go through dirty linen basket. Skirt has vanished. Have cigarette to cheer self up.

8.20 Dry skin brushing, bath and wash hair.

8.35 Begin selection of underwear. Laundry crisis means only available pants are vast and white cotton. Too unattractive to contemplate even for work (psychological damage). Go back to ironing basket. Find unsuitably lacy prickly pair but better than giant Mummy-pant horror.

8.45 Start on black opaque tights. Pair one seems to have shrunk - crotch is three inches above knees. Get second pair on and find hole on back of leg. Throw away. Suddenly remember had lycra mini-skirt on when returned with Daniel from most recent date. Go to living room. Triumphantly locate skirt between cushions on sofa.

8.55 Return to tights. Pair three have hole only in toe. Put on. Hole transforms into ladder which will protrude tellingly from shoe. Go to ironing basket. Locate last pair of black opaque tights twisted into rope- like object speckled with bits of tissue. Untangle and purge of tissue.

9.05 Have got tights on now. Add skirt. Begin ironing shirt.

9.10 Suddenly realise hair is drying in weird shape. Search for hairbrush. Locate in handbag. Blow-dry hair. Will not go right. Spray with plant spray and blow some more.

9.40 Return to ironing and discover stubborn stain on front of shirt. All other possible shirts dirty. Panic about time. Try to wash out stain. Entire shirt now soaking wet. Iron dry.

9.55 V. late now. In despair, have fag and read holiday brochure for calming five minutes.

10.00 Try to find handbag. Handbag has vanished. Decide to see if anything nice has come in the mail.

10.07 Access letter only, about non payment of minimum payment. Try to remember what was looking for. Restart quest for handbag.

10.15 Beyond lateness now. Suddenly remember had handbag in bedroom when looking for hairbrush, but cannot find. Eventually locate under clothes from wardrobe. Return clothes to wardrobe. Put on jacket. Prepare to leave house. Cannot find keys. Scour house in rage.

10.25 Find keys in handbag. Realise have forgotten hairbrush.

10.35 Leave house.

Three hours and 35 minutes between waking and leaving house is too long. In future must get straight up when wake up and reform entire laundry system.

Buy paper to discover man arrested for Oklahoma bombing was convinced the authorities had planted a microchip in his buttocks to monitor his movements. Horrified by thought of similar chip being in own buttocks, particularly in the mornings.