The diary of Emma D May: New age, Sloane danger
Sunday 14 December 1997
12.15am: Dr Vikram, medical student, informs us that dope gets broken down in your fat cells or something, so takes ages to clear. His diagnosis: "Extended period of detachment from reality which in worse cases leads to growing of unnatural-looking clumps of hair and tendency to lead dogs round by piece of string." Anyway, trying to get grip because Dylan's new lady-love, Camilla, about to arrive at flat for "superbong-night". Tinky-Winky sawing off end of plastic coke bottle with blunt nail scissors in preparation. Not convinced this is best introduction for new romance, especially as she's the daughter of New Labour peer, but D insisted she should "See us as we really are". Dab some speed with Anna to try and rid self of floaty feeling.
12.30am: Everyone's jaw drops as Dylan, wearing Eat The Rich T-shirt and combat trousers, ushers 8ft blonde Amazon with chiselled cheekbones and DKNY sweatshirt into sitting room. Bit like seeing Tara Palmer-Tomkinson snogging Swampy. "Sorry we're late," she says, cheerfully. "Had to go to this ghastly dinner party..." Awkward silence ended by Dylan slamming in one of his "I-mixed-this-in-my-bedroom" trance tapes. Hideously aware of fag-burned carpet and nasty landlord's-choice curtains. Suddenly realise left college five years ago. "Love the flat," says Tara/Camilla, to proud official tenants, me and Tinky. "It's so...Young Ones."
1am: Superbong well underway. "It's so inventive using a coke bottle," says Camilla. "Next time I'll bring the hookah Daddy brought me back from Marrakesh. It's an antique." Blast of bong seems to curtail similar observations for a while. "Camilla used to live with New Age travellers," explains Dylan. "She was at Newbury, Twyford, Runway II, but after she got a caution for resisting arrest she had to come back to London to chill for a bit." Camilla nods. "Daddy keeps trying to make me go back and take my A-levels, but boarding school's so, like, oppressive. I thought I'd just, like, make it on my own for a while." ("On my own with my whopping trust fund," whispers Anna, ungenerously.)
2am: "Did you get me that gear?" Dylan asks Anna, who produces little plastic bag of speed. "Ooh, cocaine!" says Camilla. Dr Vikram wants help delivering Labour Party leaflets over the weekend. But as Dylan's an eco- warrior, Anna's a hedonist, Tinky-Winky only gets political once a year for Gay Pride and Camilla - surprise! - is a paid-up member of the Revolutionary Communist Party, no-one volunteers. "I'll help," I tell Vikram. "Tell you what, why don't we take a special collecting bucket round for single mothers - they can each put a fiver in to help them budget for the benefit cuts." "Don't argue, you guys," says Dylan, plaintively, sensing his meet- my-mates evening descending into open warfare. "We've just all, like, got different ways of saving the world, you know." Camilla rewards him with sloppy look.
4am: Dylan and Camilla have gone back to squat love-nest. "The Young Ones..." says Anna. "What the hell is she on?"
See Emma goes to Amsterdam, Review
Life & Style blogs
Persistent heartburn 'could be a sign of cancer', new survey warns
Losing appetite as you age? Try adding umami flavour to restore the 'joy of taste'
The enemy within: People who hear voices in their heads are being encouraged to talk back
Apple stopped a fingerprint scanner from appearing in Google’s Nexus 6
SAG Awards 2015: Best and worst gowns on the red carpet
'We would evict Queen from Buckingham Palace and allocate her council house,' say Greens
French court convicts three over homophobic tweets, in case hailed as a 'significant victory' by LGBT rights campaigners
Greece elections: Syriza and EU on collision course after election win for left-wing party
British Muslim school children suffering a backlash of abuse following Paris attacks
Islamic history is full of free thinkers - but recent attempts to suppress critical thought are verging on the absurd
30,000 reasons why the rhetoric on immigrants claiming benefits can stop now
- 3 The enemy within: People who hear voices in their heads are being encouraged to talk back
- 4 British grandmother Lindsay Sandiford faces execution by firing squad in Indonesia
£38000 - £42000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: One of the UK's best performing...
£35000 - £43000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Our award-winning client is one...
£15000 - £21000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This leading provider of Atlas ...
£18000 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Opportunity to join established...