The Diary of Emma D May; Things that go bong in the night

Sunday 12.01am: "Living with a smoker can kill you," says Ed, Tinky-Winky's new boyfriend, as if this is news. We know this. There was time when Dylan was so stoned that he set fire to sofa and lay back watching it burn, with disaster only averted when Anna woke up to find her hair on fire. "She's never had a fringe since," I explain to Ed, passing him an enormous cobra-length bong, legacy of Dylan's now-defunct relationship with the loaded Lady Camilla. Then there was the time when Dylan drove up the M4 the wrong way screaming at other terrified drivers that they were all lunatics. "Then there was the time that Emma... " Dylan starts in his own defence, but is interrupted by taking in huge lungful of pure grass smoke and then coughs nasty black bits everywhere. Ed looks alarmed. "Smoking kills," Dylan says, casually. Then he goes pale. "God! What if I'm, like, really dying?" he splutters. "God, I can't get my breath, can't breathe, my lungs are full of... black bits." Anna takes command. "Bong," she says, like a scary hard-nosed paramedic in Casualty asking for scissors. "Now, Dylan, INHALE!" she shouts, stuffing the end bit into his mouth and then lifting her finger off the hole at last minute so he fills up with smoke like a gas chamber. Dylan relaxes and starts to look sleepy- eyed. "Whooah!" he says. "Is that, like passive smoking? I just inhale and smoke fills me up? It's mega... "

2am: Whole room is now full of smoke. "The Marrakesh of South London," sighs Anna, proudly. Dylan wittering on about some article he read about pheromones and trying to use it as excuse for why he never washes himself rather than admitting that he is, in fact, just gross. "Yeah, but they did this study and found that we all emit odourless chemicals and that's like part of sexual attractiveness," he explains. "If they're odourless, how come you stink?" says Anna, uncharitably.

3am: Dylan is fixated on the subject of pheromones. Ed, it turns out, is a research scientist, and Dylan is convinced that he must understand the chemistry of sex appeal. The article he read said that women had been asked to wipe sweat from their armpits and then the scientists froze it and then wiped the chemicals on other women's brows and then they started menstruating in synch. "What do you think, Ed?" Dylan asks. Ed looks like he'd like to go home. "Er, actually I really specialise in chaos theory," he says, shooting a lost "Help me!" look at Tinky-Winky, who has passed out on the floor.

4am: "Dylan, no!" Anna shouts suddenly, seeing D advancing from the bathroom with a toilet paper swab. "Just, like, dab it under your arms," says Dylan. "Then Emma can wipe it on her face." Look at him aghast. "Hang on," I say. "Why can't I be the one whose armpits get wiped instead of being the dab-on-the-face person?"

Then realise am actually entertaining the possibility of anyone exchanging perspiration and am clearly turning into crackpot. "Look, I'll dab under my arms," volunteers Dylan. Ed is now actually kicking T-W in attempt to wake him up. Vikram forced to wrestle D to floor as he makes worrying move towards the removal of his T-shirt. "You're sick," I tell him. "I know," he says.

5am: Ed and T-W have gone for a walk, thankfully. The final straw came when Dylan started trying to mop beads of sweat from the sleeping T-W's brow. Trying to decide whether to a) stay up chemically-aided and go to new Sunday morning club which opens at 7 or b) get some sleep for once. Concerned about latter option in case D tries to sneak in in the night and dribble some of his sweat on me. "Living with a smoker can be extremely bloody irritating," I say to Anna, who nods. Dylan has set fire to his camouflage trousers.

Life and Style
Social media users in Mexico who commented on cartel violence have been killed in the past
techTweets not showing up or loading this morning, users say
Sport
premier leagueLive: All the latest news and scores from today's matches
News
newsMcKamey Manor says 'there is no escape until the tour is completed'
News
politics
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebooksA superb mix of recipes serving up the freshest of local produce in a delicious range of styles
Life and Style
ebooksFrom the lifespan of a slug to the distance to the Sun: answers to 500 questions from readers
Sport
Fans of Dulwich Hamlet FC at their ground Champion Hill
footballFans are rejecting the £2,000 season tickets, officious stewarding, and airline-stadium sponsorship
News
Shami Chakrabarti
people
Arts and Entertainment
Benedict Cumberbatch has refused to deny his involvement in the upcoming new Star Wars film
filmBenedict Cumberbatch reignites Star Wars 7 rumours
Sport
football
News
news
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Maths Teacher

    £110 - £200 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: Secondary Maths Teacher for spe...

    Business Analyst - Surrey - Permanent - Up to £50k DOE

    £40000 - £50000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

    ***ASP.NET Developer - Cheshire - £35k - Permanent***

    £30000 - £35000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

    ***Solutions Architect*** - Brighton - £40k - Permanent

    £35000 - £40000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

    Day In a Page

    Wilko Johnson, now the bad news: musician splits with manager after police investigate assault claims

    Wilko Johnson, now the bad news

    Former Dr Feelgood splits with manager after police investigate assault claims
    Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands ahead of the US midterm elections

    Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands

    The Senator for Colorado is for gay rights, for abortion rights – and in the Republicans’ sights as they threaten to take control of the Senate next month
    New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

    New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

    Evidence found of contact between Easter Islanders and South America
    Cerys Matthews reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of Dylan Thomas

    Cerys Matthews on Dylan Thomas

    The singer reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of the famous Welsh poet
    DIY is not fun and we've finally realised this as a nation

    Homebase closures: 'DIY is not fun'

    Homebase has announced the closure of one in four of its stores. Nick Harding, who never did know his awl from his elbow, is glad to see the back of DIY
    The Battle of the Five Armies: Air New Zealand releases new Hobbit-inspired in-flight video

    Air New Zealand's wizard in-flight video

    The airline has released a new Hobbit-inspired clip dubbed "The most epic safety video ever made"
    Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month - but can you stomach the sweetness?

    Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month

    The combination of cinnamon, clove, nutmeg (and no actual pumpkin), now flavours everything from lattes to cream cheese in the US
    11 best sonic skincare brushes

    11 best sonic skincare brushes

    Forget the flannel - take skincare to the next level by using your favourite cleanser with a sonic facial brush
    Paul Scholes column: I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Phil Jones and Marcos Rojo

    Paul Scholes column

    I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Jones and Rojo
    Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

    Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

    While other sports are stalked by corruption, we are an easy target for the critics
    Jamie Roberts exclusive interview: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

    Jamie Roberts: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

    Wales centre says he’s not coming home but is looking to establish himself at Racing Métro
    How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

    A crime that reveals London's dark heart

    How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
    Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

    Lost in translation: Western monikers

    Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
    Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

    Handy hacks that make life easier

    New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
    KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

    KidZania: It's a small world

    The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker