The Diary of Emma D May; Things that go bong in the night
Sunday 15 March 1998
2am: Whole room is now full of smoke. "The Marrakesh of South London," sighs Anna, proudly. Dylan wittering on about some article he read about pheromones and trying to use it as excuse for why he never washes himself rather than admitting that he is, in fact, just gross. "Yeah, but they did this study and found that we all emit odourless chemicals and that's like part of sexual attractiveness," he explains. "If they're odourless, how come you stink?" says Anna, uncharitably.
3am: Dylan is fixated on the subject of pheromones. Ed, it turns out, is a research scientist, and Dylan is convinced that he must understand the chemistry of sex appeal. The article he read said that women had been asked to wipe sweat from their armpits and then the scientists froze it and then wiped the chemicals on other women's brows and then they started menstruating in synch. "What do you think, Ed?" Dylan asks. Ed looks like he'd like to go home. "Er, actually I really specialise in chaos theory," he says, shooting a lost "Help me!" look at Tinky-Winky, who has passed out on the floor.
4am: "Dylan, no!" Anna shouts suddenly, seeing D advancing from the bathroom with a toilet paper swab. "Just, like, dab it under your arms," says Dylan. "Then Emma can wipe it on her face." Look at him aghast. "Hang on," I say. "Why can't I be the one whose armpits get wiped instead of being the dab-on-the-face person?"
Then realise am actually entertaining the possibility of anyone exchanging perspiration and am clearly turning into crackpot. "Look, I'll dab under my arms," volunteers Dylan. Ed is now actually kicking T-W in attempt to wake him up. Vikram forced to wrestle D to floor as he makes worrying move towards the removal of his T-shirt. "You're sick," I tell him. "I know," he says.
5am: Ed and T-W have gone for a walk, thankfully. The final straw came when Dylan started trying to mop beads of sweat from the sleeping T-W's brow. Trying to decide whether to a) stay up chemically-aided and go to new Sunday morning club which opens at 7 or b) get some sleep for once. Concerned about latter option in case D tries to sneak in in the night and dribble some of his sweat on me. "Living with a smoker can be extremely bloody irritating," I say to Anna, who nods. Dylan has set fire to his camouflage trousers.
Life & Style blogs
The sickening truth about food banks that the Tories don't want you to know
Migrant boat disaster: Ukip candidate mocks victims in sickening Twitter post
Nigel Farage wants the BBC to stop making programmes like Doctor Who, Strictly Come Dancing, and Top Gear
Global warming: Scientists say temperatures could rise by 6C by 2100 and call for action ahead of UN meeting in Paris
General Election 2015: Britain would become a 'communist dictatorship' under Ed Miliband and Nicola Sturgeon, claims wife of Michael Gove
Rupert Murdoch berated Sun journalists for not doing enough to attack Ed Miliband and stop him winning the general election
- 1 Sofyen Belamouadden murder: The inside story of a crime that horrified Britain
- 2 How to turn off/stop 'seen by' on Facebook: Disable it to make your chats seem less passive aggressive
- 3 Company breaks open Apple Watch to discover what it says is 'planned obsolescence'
- 4 'We're not heroes, just tourists': Swedish police officers on holiday stop vicious assault on New York subway
- 5 Buckingham Palace guard who attacked passers-by in 'most most violent piece of CCTV footage' police officer had seen walks free
£22000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company is part of a Group...
£16000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you a a young, dynamic pers...
Voluntary: Cancer Research UK: We’re looking for someone to support our award ...
£70000 - £90000 per annum + bonus + car allowance + benefits: Ashdown Group: H...