MAIN CLAIM: Claudia Schiffer. Oh, and disappearing trains. David Copperfield is the multi-millionaire world-famous magician nobody in Europe had ever heard of until he started energetically squiring supermodel Claudia Schiffer to every event featuring a rank of flashbulbs. Dead ringers for Disney's Beauty and the Beast, their creepy, shivers-up-the-spine coupling has inspired more conjecture than Cindy and Richard, Bruce and Demi, etc, etc. Now the cops have even been called in to help prove her love for the hirsute flying one. Police raided the offices of a Munich magazine that claimed the relationship was a publicity stunt.

APPEARANCE: Barry Manilow's hairy brother. Lead in Planet of the Apes. Penis with eyebrows. Simian Seventies centrefold.

WONDER BOY: Young David Kotkin of Nowhere, New Jersey, was a small lad with big, big dreams. The only son of doting parents, he claims to have spent years learning his "craft", starting when just a nipper. (Fame tip: change your name to one the whole world's already heard of. Example: I'll be Jane Eyre and you can be Heathcliff. Hey presto!)

MODEL WIFE: The affianced couple have been displaying a huge rock and much controlled clinching since 1993, while perpetually promising marriage. Said nuptials have not yet materialised. David and Claudia's schedules are very busy.

SUPERMAN: Rarely has a simple entertainer inspired such gut animosity. Other than Michael Flatley, David Copperfield takes posing to new levels. His show, featuring wind-blown, satin-wearing, eyebrow-beetling, smouldering and hip-thrusting antics, seems to imply that David Copperfield considers himself a love god. The rest of us view him as a hairy ape wearing aftershave. It's royal North London fun to squirm, scream and share rising hysteria when David's on the telly. Luckily for him, there are always bouffed American fiftysomethings who'd happily follow Billy Graham, Debbie Reynolds, Barry Manilow and others of Copperfield's ilk.

FAME PROSPECTS: How about dating Kate Moss?