Latest in The Big Breakfast hot seat. After much weary grinding of the rumour mill, Liza Tarbuck, daughter of Liverpool comedian Jimmy, was confirmed during the week as victorious new co-host of the top presenting job. Presiding over the spangled anarchy that Channel 4 sees fit to blare at a groaning nation of a morning, little-known actress Liza is now set for full-scale fame. Watch out for the flurry of hype, dirt digging and tabloid speculation that is destined to ensue before Liza begins her stint in September.
Mother next door. No-nonsense Northern travel rep with regular wash, blow-dry and highlights appointment. Ginger Spice in Telford tribute band.
Girls on top
"Beauties square up to replace Big Breakfast Kelly," screamed the Sun after Kelly Brook, a 19-year-old model, was dropped. A "shootout" then occurred between our heroine and presenter Sara Cox. However, the Sun's loyal readers voted for Ms Tarbuck in a survey, leaving "Britain's No 1 Newspaper" cackling in triumph at its readers' perception, intelligence, and sway over world events. Yes, yes.
Liza Tarbuck is 34. She is single. She grew up in showbiz and is said to be balanced and down to earth. Our heroine is generally employed as an actress and presenter. She played one Pam Lynch in something called Watching, and presents Channel 4's fashion series She's Gotta Have It. She completed a successful stand-in stint on The Big Brekky before Queen Denise scarpered in late 1998, but was beaten to the post by a large-busted teenager with a lovely smile. Our protagonist boasts neither a model's slender figure nor a model's tender years, but she's equipped with cerebral impulses, a crackling wit, and the power to win over even Sun readers. Kelly Brook is now modelling Triumph bras.
When pipped to the post by Brook last year, our heroine cheerfully joked, "You know what? Getting up that early really messes around with your bowels - and I'm a great believer in regular movement!" How on earth will Johnny Vaughan cope with the competition? May Liza outlive every adolescent, peroxide blonde and tiara wearer who has gone before her.