My ability to either "spend" or "save" will be deficient to the tune of £100 next month, due to the exemplary professionalism of Her Majesty's Plod. Well, I say "exemplary professionalism", but if I were inclined to be a touch picky of the nit, I could just as well say that surely the Met has better things to do than to penalise me for a slight oversight in my vehicular documentation.
I was en route to work on my scooter the other day and had just passed Buckingham Palace, just managing again not to kill one of the glaikit multi-nationals stumbling around the bottom of Constitution Hill in the hope of seeing Prince Harry towelling himself off after a shower at one of the palace's windows.
When the lights went green, I set off up Constitution Hill, with nothing but a police car between me and Hyde Park Corner. As The Weenie were doing bang-on 30mph in their massive, day-glo BMW, I stayed just behind and off to the side. However, when we got to the (red) lights, they slowed and allowed me to pull in to stop in front of them.
Now, as any motorist knows, when Plod is behind you at the lights, you are on your best behaviour and certainly do not scream off at the merest hint of amber, doing your best Dick Dastardly cackle out of the window. No, you pull away like a vicar leaving the jumble sale with a load of delicate scones in the boot.
I thus moved away, leaving the Old Bill behind me. I circled around Hyde Park Corner and entered the park, not giving the rozzers a second thought.
Cue blue lights and a quick burst on the siren. I braked and pulled over to the side and dismounted, as Constable Bad-Mood clambered out of the many-aerialed squad car. Cue excited clustering from the tourists waiting at the gates of the park. I was totally mortified. For all they knew, I had an outstanding warrant for fiddling with homeless cats.
Apparently, because I'd bought my scooter new in November 2011, it should have had its first MOT three years later. Last November. Although no one bothered to tell me!
You might recall a couple of years ago I was pulled over by the Coco Poppers for straying into a bus lane or some such nonsense. Back then, just as Starsky was about to start writing my ticket up, Hutch had looked at me quizzically and asked what I did for a living.
I told him I worked for The Independent and i. He said: "You write a column, dontcha? I thought I recognised the face! You're WELL funny!" At that, his colleague put his notebook away, gave me a wink and told me to be more careful next time. I rode away, feeling like George Clooney.
Sadly, it appears the bizzies who pulled me over in Hyde Park are no fans of this newspaper. Hence the £100 fine. And hence the reason why I urge our marketing department to start attracting police officers to our friendly gang. You never know when it could come in useful...Reuse content