Use your wit to win a watch

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EVIDENTLY the mobile telephone is an object of some disregard among readers of this page. Ivan Shakespeare of north London has it falling foul of the citizenry by the end of the century: 'The rubber aerial cap was a common precaution against the fin de siecle mob who were wont to seize the phone and assault their owners with them.'

Mr N Potts of Heywood, Lancashire, does not manage to dispatch the despised object until 2082, but does so with aplomb: 'The mobile telephone was finally rendered obsolete by the Telepathophone's introduction in 2082, a joint venture between the Sony Corporation and Roman Catholic Church Limited.'

This week's winner is, however, Diana Smibert of Edinburgh.

Bearing the inscription 'Ronson' this is clearly a cell phone. Ego-physiologists had erroneously regarded such items as aural growths produced by acute self-importance. Calcium-dating techniques confirm that the deep teeth marks on the mouthpiece were made around October 1987.

However, the scratches down each side may have been caused by fellow rail passengers ramming the phone down the users' throats.

Like its precursor the megaphone, the mobile phone required the owners to shout loudly in public places such as restaurants. Long conversations could be held with only a few seconds interruption as the user consumed four courses of nouvelle cuisine.

To be sold as a pair, the other is marked 'Saunders', remarkable for having its memory restored after what was once believed to be an irreparable dysfunction of recall.

Their rarity is due to the withdrawal of all mobile phones from use after the widespread sale of radiowave ovens. These could pick up airborne chatter and wives often overheard husbands as they were defrosting a French fancy.

The next Time Pieces subject is Levi 501s. Imagine it is the year 2093 and write - in 150 words or fewer - a catalogue entry for this 1980s icon. The prize is an Oris watch worth pounds 200. Entries, to arrive by Wednesday, to: Oris Competition, Weekend, The Independent, 40 City Road, London EC1Y 2DB.

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