Bridget Jones's Diary

'Geoffrey's told Una a silly story about being one of those "homos" and going off to cottages!' It was Mum
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The Independent Online
Monday 13 January

9st4 (disaster. Lacy pants have started leaving pattern on self) No. of jeans can fit into: 0. Cigarettes: 0 (vg) cigars 12 (poor)

Got into work carrying my coat in a tiny ball to create pleasing impression of having been there ages and just popped out to the loo only to find Richard Finch already jumping about in full autowitter. Our boss, who is shaped like Large (of Little and Large fame) has taken to dressing in the style of Liam Gallagher; squeezing his quivering body into ribbed polo necks and synthetic safari-style jackets topped with bushy sideburns, Jarvis Cocker glasses and an Isla St Clair page-boy cut. The whole effect is very fat and scary.

"Come on, Bridget-F***ing-Late-Again (he always calls me this, which I do not like), you're all doing a test. If they need to know where the arseing Prada shop is on Channel Five so do you f***ing lot, you c***ing shower," he shouted, jabbing his finger on his computer keyboard then bellowing, "F***ing hell, the f***ing f***er's f***ing well f***ing f***ed again. (Richard Finch is not very clean-mouthed.)

Turns out all the recruits on Channel Five have been required to do a test on popular culture because if you work in the media you are supposed to be modern. We are having our test this afternoon and everyone is in a foul mood revising sulkily with copies of Hello! and magazines called by fashionable letters of the alphabet. Secretly, though, I am quite excited about the test because I think I might be top. The test at Channel Five was really easy: What is an agent provocateur? Everyone knows it is an underwear shop. And name Imran and Jemima's child - Sulaiman Isa, easy larlarlarlar.

Noon: Just had phone call from Geoffrey Alconbury. He is back in England from Albufeira and has decided to come out of the closet about being a homosexual.

"But are you going to carry on living with Auntie Una?" I said, aghast, trying to imagine Uncle Geoffrey being gay with all those people at the Rotary and Lifeboat. Tom always says you get a much harder time socially being gay the further away you live from cities. Can neither imagine Uncle Geoffrey managing to carry on as normal nor assuming some new dignified, cultured style like Sir Ian McKellen. Maybe he will start putting bits of driftwood in the rockery, and turn the goldfish pond into a mud-flat like Derek Jarman.

"Durrr! Course I am, ducky. Now when are we going to get you married off?" he shouted. Oh God. He is going to be John Inman. I suppose if he comes clean about the rent-boy I will have no hold on him anymore and he will be able to renege on his bargain of stopping torturing me about being single.

"Well, good luck with telling Una," I finished, brightly ... Bloody hell. Rather him than me. Anyway. Better get on with test revision. Think will look through Victoria's secret bra catalogue. Or maybe will go learn the prices of all the different brown cardboard boxes in Muji. Oh no, oh no. What's the name of Patsy Kensit's first husband's new wife? Or maybe he isn't married.

3pm: Am confident, now, on names and order of Paula Yates's children. Also all shops stocking Prada both in and, importantly, out of London. But the drugs allegedly found under Paula Yates's bed - was the tube Smarties or Fruit Pastilles? Only 10 more minutes revision left. Aargh, telephone.

It was Mum. "Oh hello, darling. I've just rung to tell you Uncle Geoffrey's back. And just in case you hear anything, you can't imagine the silly story he told Una about being one of these 'homos' and going off to cottages!! He lives in a complete fantasy world. Anyway she just roared with laughter and packed him off to the doctor. I just thought I'd let you know because it means the Egg Hunt will be on again in the rockery. Anyway, must whiz. Byeee!"

No sooner had mum gone than Richard Finch yelled at us all to shut the f*** up and Patchouli started handing out the exam papers. Was just experiencing an adrenaline rush such Jude says can create Flow of the type winning athletes experience when they feel they are a waterfall, when Richard Finch suddenly blobbed up behind me.

"Not you, Bridget," he said oilily into my ear, whisking my paper away. "You've got a special one."

Humph. This is my exam.

1) How long is it since the last election?

How am I supposed to know? If I could remember who I was going out with it would be easier. I think I was going out with Daniel when there was the election party but then it might have been VE day.

2) Who is the Shadow Foreign Secretary?

Hmm. Maybe he is gay?

3) Name three members of the Cabinet. And their jobs.

John Major. vg Prime Minister. Will do others later.

4) Who is the President of France?

President Mitterand who may be dead. Certainly he has a love child.

5) What do the letters ERM stand for? (Bridget, it is not a pop Group.)

Economic or Europe ... something.

6) What is Michael Howard's job?

His wife used to be a model and has been married four times (including present one).

7) Where is Belgrade?

Maybe in Romania? Or Istanbul.

8) What is happening to Hong Kong and when?

It is definitely having Independence, which they are up in arms about, which will take place in a few years.

Actually, has come out rather better than expected. Richard Finch obviously thinks I am stupid. This will show him. Am marvellous. Am Renaissance Woman. Hurrahn