Bridget Jones's diary

If I were shopping with Sharon, say, and there was one pair of gun-metal grey narrow-legged PVC trousers left in a medium and we both wanted them, I'd, like, just push her over
Click to follow
The Independent Online
Sunday 24 September

9st 5 (I am actually fat now. I think my thyroid has become underactive); calories 4,700; alcohol units 6; cigarettes 20; number of serious articles read 12 (but including 9 about Indian statues drinking milk)

I wonder if I am too old to be an "Underwolf"? It is such an attractive idea being a cool, rangy creature taking pride in being outside the system and not having any national identity. I must say, since I have started taking a more informed interest in politics and world affairs, I have really found it interesting. I tried to discuss the Underwolf issue with Daniel when we were reading the papers in bed. "Have you read about the report on 18- to 34-year-olds from the left-wing think-tank Demos?" I began.

"No, darling," he said, in his worst pretending to be excited voice. "What does the left-wing think-tank Demos think? Is it the same as Demos the Left-Wing Think-Tank Engine?" I hate it when he gets like this. As if it is really amusing that I should have any sort of intellectual opinion about anything. It's actually extremely sexist.

I bet Kate Moss is an Underwolf. It is almost as if there is this hip parallel world going on underneath us, as if all the young people in the Calvin Klein advert were hunting in cool packs in the sewers, or a series of underground tunnels. The article also said that young women have started to think that using violence is an acceptable way of getting what you want.

"Well I think they're absolutely right, Bridge," said Daniel, and then shoved the pillow actually quite roughly - if we were in a court of law - on top of my head and put his head on it. "You see, it works. You've shut up and I can read the papers. Oh my God, Bridge. It says here you can't be an Underwolf if you weigh more than 9st."

Daniel, as I pointed out, is definitely too old to be an Underwolf. In fact, as I also pointed out, if Demos had to classify Daniel as either an Underwolf or a Grey Panther, I don't think there would be a particularly long discussion about it.

3.10 pm Daniel is watching the football as usual.

It is interesting about using violence to get what you want, though. I mean, I can see it in principle (apparently there is a Thelma and Louise copycat female robber duo going round America and everybody cheers when they do robberies). But I'm not sure how I would actually put the violent goal-seeking into practice in everyday life. I suppose, say, I was shopping with Sharon and there was one pair of gun-metal grey narrow-legged PVC trousers left in a medium and we both wanted them, I would just, like, push her over and take them to the cash till.

Or say it was a traffic warden who waits by your meter till 10 seconds past the limit and starts the ticket as you're running towards him and gives you the "I've started so I'll finish" line, you would just grab his book, tear up the ticket, and push him over.

Or say you were in a car park and....

3.30pm I have come in the kitchen as Daniel says if I don't shut up he is going home.

4pm Huh. Daniel has gone home. I was really very interested by the "Indian statues taking in milk" stories. Particularly Ganesh the Elephant God. There is a delicious kind of cake icing called Chocolate Ganache. Anyway one of the experts said the miracle was connected with the hot summer followed by cold weather and terracotta.

Then I remembered I had a terracotta essential oil burner from the Body Shop. So I fetched it, put some semi-skimmed milk in a teaspoon and offered it to the oil burner. I simply tilted the spoon and held it against the edge of the hole where you put the candle in. I couldn't believe it. The burner was taking in the milk. You could actually see the milk disappearing from the teaspoon.

It was amazing. I rushed into the living room shouting, "Daniel come here quick! My Body Shop essential oil burner is taking in milk!" How was I supposed to know that would be just when Lazio scored?

Tuesday September 26

8st 13; alcohol units 5; cigarettes 41.5; calories 254 (off food); Instants 12

Midnight. I am very sad. Daniel was distant with me yesterday at work and didn't ring me in the evening. I just knew something was wrong. He didn't come in today so I rang him and left a message at lunchtime but he didn't ring me back. By 6pm, I was really worried because usually we see each other on Tuesday or Wednesday nights, so I left another message asking if he was OK and would he ring me. He didn't ring all evening. I thought maybe he was out and hadn't noticed the message.

When it got to midnight I called him and started to leave another message and he picked up the phone and said, "What is it?" in a really horrible voice which sounded as though I was just a nuisance and he didn't even like me.

He said he'd been in all evening and hadn't called back because he was working. I asked him when we were going to meet and he said he wasn't sure because he had a very busy week. And then he said, "I'll call you over the weekend."

Daniel is going to chuck me.

Comments