q That no one talks about fat cats any more (why they don't use Scobberlotchers, the word developed by Bunhill's readers a year ago at great expense, is beyond me).
q That wigs come back into fashion so I can appear on The Clothes Show explaining how they should be worn. I may even be given a series on the wireless called "Great Wigs and Tall Tories", or some such.
q That a minimum prison sentence of seven years be introduced for anyone using the word "invite" as a noun or "impact" as a verb.
q Ditto for anyone talking about "customer focus".
q That politicians admit there is very little they can do about the economy, and stop pretending that they can on the Today programme. The hours thus freed should be filled with interesting things, like me talking about wigs.
q That any company with "Solutions" in its name shall be wound up immediately .
q That the stock exchange turns out to have been a 200-year mirage, and that stockbrokers and merchant bankers were actually doing something useful all that time.
q That an Anti Voicemail Party be formed, and that it win the general election. (By the way, whatever happened to the Natural Law Party?)
q That I stop being so self-important.
QUICK, rush out to get your last-minute executive stocking fillers, as noted by Chris Sladen of Ealing.
They are both books and are due out any day now: The Lord Lucan Guide to Executive Hideaways and I was Resident of the Bored Tirade, by Michael Heseltine.
Euro down the pan
IF I PLAY my cards right, I won't have to write a thing soon because you lot will do it for me. In this letter, for example, Jack Burgess of Cyberspace has invented my next competition ...
I feel I must take you to task regarding the cavalier way in which you dealt with the launch of the euro notes in today's IoS. There are more important issues than the wretched things' design at stake and I would have expected a column of your stature to have tackled these without fear or fiver. What, for example, are we to call component bits that the Euro will be divided into? After all, presumably it will have to be made up of 100 somethings?
To settle for "cents" would be a cop-out. What we need is a word which at once captures the true spirit of Europe while retaining an echo of our own dearly beloved "pee". I suggest a competition to name it, with a prize of suitable proportions. Well, yes, since you ask. I do have a suggestion of my own: the euro should be made up of 100 ... eurines.
Further, to popularise our new currency, perhaps the new European Central Bank could issue to schools specially designed boxes for children to save their eurines in. The name eurinal comes to mind.
I am, of course, in no way wishing to take the eurine myself, being more than happy with a satisfying pee.
PS from Bunhill - suggestions for somethings, to me please.