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Property: All proper tea is not theft

A LITTLE over a year ago I founded the Property Party to represent the interests of homeseekers. The Party failed to sweep to power at the General Election because of that well- known difficulty - familiar to all home buyers - we had problems raising the deposit.

Since then the Party has regrouped, rebranded and restructured. We have abandoned our "Total Power" concept and have reverted instead to a more tactical and street-wise representation. As part of this repositioning the Property Party is proud to announce it will be fielding a candidate to stand as Mayor of London. As yet I can offer no names. Some elements of the selection committee (aka the Fount of All Knowledge Darts and Snooker Association) have been lobbying hard for Anita Harris - the well-known chanteuse and pantomime principal boy. She is Dick Whittington personified but there is a fear that she would be useless in the Mayoral chamber because of her propensity to greet every policy proposal with the phrase "OH NO YOU DON'T". We are a party of serious substance not slick gimmickry.

With that in mind I can reveal the following extracts from our policy programme.

We make pledges not promises in respect of the below:

q Property taxes to be abolished and replaced by a proper-tea tax on all those who refuse to use tea bags and other forms of convenience food such as white sliced bread.

q Home taxes to be replaced with home taxis which can be summoned on demand.

q Squatting to be outlawed and replaced by something more comfortable such as sitting.

q Gazumping to replace synchronised swimming as an Olympic sport.

q The Millennium Dome to be officially recognised as Cockney Rhyming Slang (Old People's Home).

Those who wish to learn more about the Property Party can find us on the Internet at Propupthebar@DotCotton. In the meantime the words of the leader of another political party are ringing in our ears: "Go back to the Snug and prepare to buy another round."