Property: Get ready for mutually assured tree planting

The LAS sees the tree not as an offensive weapon of mass destruction but as a deterrent

I HAVE been inundated with demands for further information on the neighbour-deterrent capabilities of the Lelandii Appreciation Society. This is a recently formed body which is designed to persuade recently arrived but socially incorrect neighbours that it would be better to fix their abode elsewhere.

I must stress at the outset that the LAS is not an organisation that promotes the spread of these fast growing, giant trees. The Lelandii, which allow you to create the equivalent of a Brazilian rain forest in your back garden in about a week, is a particularly anti-social tree. I have seen the misery inflicted upon those forced to live in its shadow and the LAS has no intention of encouraging an outbreak of spontaneous plantation.

The LAS is not interested in the tree as an offensive weapon of mass destruction but as a deterrent.

Observers of the race, earlier this century, towards nuclear supremacy will be familiar with the deterrent argument. It went along the lines that the reason for filling your silos with Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles was not in readiness to incinerate the opposition but merely to persuade them not to get their retaliation in first.

So too with the Lelandii. It is not a tree to be used in anger. It is a deterrent, not a weapon of mass destruction.

The reason I have formed the LAS is to capitalise on the tree's deterrent properties. It is a means of persuading new and disruptive arrivals in the neighbourhood to think again about their main residence of choice.

I have recently been cursed, as I explained last week, with two new neighbours whose habits and habitat are tending towards the disagreeable. My life would become altogether more acceptable if they were to take up their furniture and walk somewhere a long way away.

I have no intention of mounting a campaign of hostility against them. Not for me the Superglued key holes and self igniting dustbins. No vandalism, graffiti or obscene, late-night telephone calls. That would be petty, small-minded and offensive.

Much better, I think, to take a more cerebral approach and draw on the services of the LAS. All I do here is push a leaflet through my new neighbours' letter boxes explaining the virtues of these much misunderstood trees. They are flexible, robust and faster moving than your average District Line train. They offer security, protection and provide that large-scale affinity with nature which is so often absent from suburbia.

The leaflet goes on to point out that the adjoining houses (that is, those with north-facing rather than south-facing grass) are shortly planning to celebrate the Lelandii season by a commemorative planting. It invites the recipient to join the local community's thanksgiving by adding a row of Lelandii in his or her own back garden.

Scale drawings of just how tall the trees will become in a matter of weeks demonstrate quite lucidly what they are about to receive. Who needs a Greenland winter when you have a row of looming Lelandii next door?

I think my new neighbours will begin to have second thoughts about the attractions of the area and will be looking to move within a matter of days.

The leaflets go out next week. My report from another part of the forest will follow.

Suggested Topics
Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
ebooks
ebooksA special investigation by Andy McSmith
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs Money & Business

Ashdown Group: Trainee Consultant - Surrey / South West London

£22000 per annum + pension,bonus,career progression: Ashdown Group: An establi...

SThree: HR Benefits Manager

£40000 - £50000 per annum + pro rata: SThree: SThree Group have been well esta...

Recruitment Genius: Office Manager / Financial Services

£30000 - £37000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Established in 1999, a highly r...

Jemma Gent: Year End Accountant

£250-£300 Day Rate: Jemma Gent: Are you a qualified accountant with strong exp...

Day In a Page

The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

Netanyahu knows he can get away with anything in America, says Robert Fisk
Families clubbing together to build their own affordable accommodation

Do It Yourself approach to securing a new house

Community land trusts marking a new trend for taking the initiative away from developers
Head of WWF UK: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

David Nussbaum: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

The head of WWF UK remains sanguine despite the Government’s failure to live up to its pledges on the environment
Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Set in a mythologised 5th-century Britain, ‘The Buried Giant’ is a strange beast
With money, corruption and drugs, this monk fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’

Money, corruption and drugs

The monk who fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’
America's first slavery museum established at Django Unchained plantation - 150 years after slavery outlawed

150 years after it was outlawed...

... America's first slavery museum is established in Louisiana
Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

The first 'American Idol' winner on how she manages to remain her own woman – Jane Austen fascination and all
Tony Oursler on exploring our uneasy relationship with technology with his new show

You won't believe your eyes

Tony Oursler's new show explores our uneasy relationship with technology. He's one of a growing number of artists with that preoccupation
Ian Herbert: Peter Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

The England coach leaves players to find solutions - which makes you wonder where he adds value, says Ian Herbert
War with Isis: Fears that the looming battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

The battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

Aid agencies prepare for vast exodus following planned Iraqi offensive against the Isis-held city, reports Patrick Cockburn
Yvette Cooper: We can't lose the election. There's too much on the line

Yvette Cooper: We can't lose the election. There's too much on the line

The shadow Home Secretary on fighting radical Islam, protecting children, and why anyone in Labour who's thinking beyond May must 'sort themselves out'
A bad week for the Greens: Leader Natalie Bennett's 'car crash' radio interview is followed by Brighton council's failure to set a budget due to infighting

It's not easy being Green

After a bad week in which its leader had a public meltdown and its only city council couldn't agree on a budget vote, what next for the alternative party? It's over to Caroline Lucas to find out
Gorillas nearly missed: BBC producers didn't want to broadcast Sir David Attenborough's famed Rwandan encounter

Gorillas nearly missed

BBC producers didn't want to broadcast Sir David Attenborough's famed Rwandan encounter
Downton Abbey effect sees impoverished Italian nobles inspired to open their doors to paying guests for up to €650 a night

The Downton Abbey effect

Impoverished Italian nobles are opening their doors to paying guests, inspired by the TV drama
China's wild panda numbers have increased by 17% since 2003, new census reveals

China's wild panda numbers on the up

New census reveals 17% since 2003