Dear Mike Flowers

It looks like your cover of 'Wonderwall' will be the Christmas No 1. Well, done. Now about that hairpiece ...

The word is on the street that your cover of "Wonderwall" is set to be this Christmas's No1 hit record. You're tipped to swoop to the coveted chart position past Boyzone, Queen and Bjork.

Wow! That'll be sweet revenge for Oasis, whose original version of the song was fended off the top slot by the ubiquitous Robson and Jerome. These actors-turned-singers took the easy route to pop stardom. After all, anyone can have a hit with standards like "Unchained Melody" and "I Believe", can't they? You, on the other hand, have bravely covered a proper modern rock song. Well done! And so nice to have an easy listening version of a composition that is actually very, very deep.

'Cos that's your speciality. Music for Pleasure. MFP. Mike Flowers Pops ... yeah, we geddit, great!

Sorry, your correct name is The Mike Flowers Pops, isn't it? The BBC must love that. It chimes so nicely with Top of the Pops. You were obviously made for each other. You've got the right face for the show. You resemble the bloke from the Carpenters a bit, don't you? Or is it the drunmmer from the Bay City Rollers? Probably just a coincidence. And what a smile! When you turn to the camera and sing "You're my Wonderwall ..." well, I expect you'll be breaking a few hearts in 1996.

Odd, though, that you left the first line out of the song. Are you allowed to do that? I doubt if Wotsit Gallagher will mind, just as long as he gets his royalties. And your lush-voiced, no-nonsense arrangement has certainly made us take notice of the tune. Where have we heard it before? The nearest I can get to it is "Judy in Disguise (with glasses)". Everyone knows that one was having a giggle at "Lucy in the Sky (with diamonds)".

That's not your game though, is it? You're not taking the mickey, are you? You're above that kind of thing. Anyone can see that you're a genuine performing artist. And I don't mean genuine in the sense used by second- hand car salesmen when they talk about "genuine mileage" on the clock. I mean a genuine, straight-up entertainer. Somewhere between Andy Williams and the guy from Edison Lighthouse. A bit cheesy maybe, but that's OK.

You probably know the cabaret circuit well, but it wasn't quite hip enough for you, was it? What you wanted was a hit record. Well now you've got it. You'll more than likely have your own early evening television show by this time next year. The Mike Flowers Show. That means you'll have to drop the "Pops". Never mind.

By the way, great outfit! It's so now, and yet, at the same time, so then. If you see what I mean.