Football: Ten things that Newcastle Colombian striker Faustino Asprilla might be missing today

1 Waking up and smelling the coffee - one of Colombia's biggest powdered exports.

2 A lenient rule of law. It was announced this week that there would be a dramatic reduction in sentences for most prisoners, to alleviate overcrowding.

3 Benevolent rulers. The government also announced that the past year's $1bn (pounds 606m) haul of drug barons' assets would be given to the poor. Lone parents and landless peasants can expect a share of cash, 2,000 houses, 500 planes and 200 boats.

4 Andean valleys, Caribbean beaches and Amazonian rainforests.

5 The fanatical support of local gamblers - although it's sometimes preferable when they're not gunning for you.

6 Fried ants.

7 The magic realism of Marquez: myth, dreams and harsh reality. Not unlike a Toon army season.

8 Safe nightlife.

9 Ancient places of worship. (That are not football grounds).

10 Easy access to huge amounts of a cheap, popular, energy-giving, powdery white staple. Sugar.