Peep Show: Johnson's 5-point guide to getting ahead

“Evolution marches on. The scythe is remorseless”

As the final series of Peep show gets going on 11 November, we're going to have to start coming to terms with the fact that some of the greatest TV characters in history are bidding us farewell.

Step forward Alan Johnson; part-handsome lothario, part utter sleazeball and most of all, new-age business guru. Here are a few of Alan's greatest business tips that I'm obliged to stipulate are very much far from foolproof.

1. On prioritising career over romantic relationships: “I mean, does a balance sheet ever come crying and saying that it needs some time to think about things? A business doesn’t say it loves you, then run off with a buddy.”

2. Mark's greatest humiliations: “This is a maximum security business institution. If you can’t break rocks you get shot in the head.”

3. On coping with the death of a colleague: “Evolution marches on. The scythe is remorseless”

4. On finding creative inspiration: “Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other. I’m serious. Fuck a chicken if that’s what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse. What? You think the guys who invented Google sat around watching Trumpton?”

And above all

5. “You know the credo: Illness equals weakness”