It's the party season. Did somebody say "recession"? Maria, the boss of Scandalous Chicks enterprises, wouldn't know about such things as she takes her employees off into the night in their Hummer limousine. She is paid by nightclubs to provide girls to keep footballers entertained of an evening. 'From WAGs to Riches' (BBC3, Thursday) showed them necking £700 bottles of Cristal champagne and burning £50 notes as they cavorted around London's Funky Buddha club. But all they found was some bloke off 'Big Brother'. Times must be hard.
Footballers are "modern-day princes", according to the narrator, Radio One DJ Annie Mac, and marrying one is "a fairytale ending". Mark Fuller, the big cheese at the Embassy club, thinks the players are "just like jousters coming back and winning their maidens".
Sophie Anderton, former wife of Mark Bosnich and a recovering addict, doesn't see it that way, but she was never "technically" a WAG because "Mark never played, he was always on the bench. I saw a lot of white lines but not quite those ones". Ian Walker'sex-wife Suzi also tasted the poisoned apple. "I wouldn't want my daughter to marry a footballer," she says. "A lawyer would be much better." But if you didn't marry a footballer, you might not need a lawyer.
Francesca Amber Sawyer has written "the smart girl's guide to dating a footballer", in which she details her seven-month affair with a Premier League player known only as Wesley. Her new life as an author depends on discretion, but at a publicity event she blurts out to a complete stranger, "I had sex with Russell Brand last night", then sells her story for £10,000.
"I've always said it isn't about the money, but it kind of is," she confides. "Especially now half of London's falling down and everyone's losing their jobs." She adds: "Well, at least I didn't kiss and tell on a footballer," as she reads the 'News of the World' exclusive with her mum and tells her how Brand had done Frank Spencer impressions while he was on the job. Some mothers really do 'ave em. And some jobs will always be in demand.
The final part of 'Dangerous Adventures for Boys' (Five, Friday) had nothing to do with predatory ladies. It featured the sprinter Darren Campbell and his young son Aaryn trying to become a kart-racing team. They could have shown Sir Richard Branson's attempt to break the record for the fastest transatlantic crossing in his delightfully named yacht Virgin Money. He took his son Sam and daughter Holly, but it all ended in disaster, despite having some chap called Ben Ainslie on deck. Perhaps it sounded like too dreadful an example of attention-seeking. But wait, 'The Bransons: Come Hell or High Water' was on TV last Tuesday. Which channel was it on? The blessed Virgin, of course. There aren't many of those in the Funky Buddha.