Pandora: Dave's home affairs?

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The Independent Online

While Gordon Brown ensured events in Westminster took a fresh twist yesterday, David Cameron's domestic arrangements were also the subject of some timely title-tattle among senior Tory colleagues.

In between betting on just how long it would have taken Alastair Campbell to put Adam "you're a big man, but you're out of shape" Boulton on the canvas in the event of the pair coming to blows, MPs were privately putting it about that Dave and Sam were planning to "up sticks" from their current abode in the Tory leader's Oxfordshire constituency. "You didn't hear it from me, of course," helpfully whispered one well-connected party stalwart.

With the country's fate hanging in the balance, Pandora sensed this could be the perfect moment to seek clarification from Conservative HQ. Well, how wrong I was on that score!

After making contact with one party lackey, I couldn't escape the suspicion these people felt they had bigger fish to fry yesterday afternoon. "Let me check," she sighed, adding with almost indecent haste: "Not to our knowledge."

Holmes on Andrews's case

Gere's a welcome poke in the eye for those naysayers criticising Julie Andrews's musical comeback. Despite the old girl receiving an ungenerous response in some quarters, the portly charmer Eamonn Holmes wants her birthplace of Walton-on-Thames in Surrey to honour her with a statue. I'm assured Holmes has pledged to publicly don his own Von Trapp-style lederhosen should the council meet his demands.

* Clearly sensitive to the controversy that met her brave decision to leave Swindon for nearby Reading, national treasure Melinda Messenger is keen to strike a conciliatory note. Berkshire's own English Rose now says she is not completely ruling out an emotional return to her home town at some time in the future. More on this when we have it.

* Channel 4's property temptress Kirstie Allsopp said recently that she was "so surprised and saddened" by the abuse apparently greeting her on Twitter.

Is this the very same Kirstie Allsopp who, in the early hours of Friday, wrote with undisguised glee: "Lemsip Optrex has lost his seat, oh dear!" I'm sure you'll agree such cold hypocrisy speaks for itself.

One Lord fears liberal conspiracy

Just before news broke that the Liberal Democrats were entering into talks with Labour, Pandora's very own constitutional expert was picking holes in the potential pact with the Tories. Step forward Lord Biro (don't look for him in Debrett's) who pointed out: "If Mrs Thatcher dies and Cameron wants a state funeral and Clegg doesn't, what would happen?" Feel free to forget you read it here first.