Pandora: Neil's bride that never was

(© Tim Sanders)

As a colourful exponent of the single life – just ask the rotating harem of dusky beauties hanging off his arm – Andrew Neil has kept schtum over deep affairs of his heart. This week, however, The Daily Politics presenter has given a revealing personal interview in which he speaks of a youthful romance and brief engagement.

"She was absolutely beautiful," recalls the misty-eyed Neil, on the new website AccessInterviews. "We were in love and in our early twenties. We met at a student conference. She was at Manchester and I was at Glasgow." After buying a ring, Neil got cold feet and abruptly called off plans for the betrothal, deciding it would "end in tears". He declines to reveal the woman's identity, insisting that she is a "private individual".

Pandora would, of course, be happy to hear from the would-be Mrs Neil, should she so wish.

Ma Beckett's caravan rumbles back over the hill

There's a new spook in town, and she has knocked noses out of joint.

Having been ignominiously told to "do one" when Gordon Brown arrived, Margaret Beckett is back – and this time her caravan has blacked-out windows and she's wearing shades.

The Tories have the hump because Gordon yesterday appointed Beckett, 65, the former Foreign Secretary, to the chairmanship of Parliament's top-secret Intelligence and Security Committee. The prestigious post, which gives access to classified info, is a reward for keeping her trap shut for seven months, despite her fury at being dumped. "The committee is meant to be neutral and it is about time we had an opposition chairman instead of yet another Government lackey," a senior Tory commented.

Will Beckett's husband and secretary Leo, 80 this year, be allowed to listen in and make the tea?

Committee members are tasked with watching our intelligence services, following the Iraq dossier sham.

"I wouldn't trust this lot to find their way out of a cinema, let alone shine a light into the dark," a cynical parliamentarian said. "They go to MI6 in a minibus now and then and, if they're lucky, to GCHQ for a day out."

They release a censored report about the work of our spies. Yesterday's "revealed" that budget increases went towards "counter-terrorism work; direct pursuit, ***, capacity-building with key [countries,] and – this is an absolutely vital point – ***. *** ***. So put like that and defined like that, this takes up 56 per cent of our effort." Thanks for clearing that up!

Emily's make or break New York parlour game

A brave move from Emily Mortimer, who is to grace the off-Broadway boards which have tripped many a promising career.

The actress – daughter of the Rumpole architect Sir John – will co-star in Parlour Song, a domestic paranoia about a demolitions man suspicious that his wife (Mortimer) is stealing from him.

Written by fellow Brit Jez Butterworth, who directed Nicole Kidman as a raunchy Russian mail-order bride in Birthday Girl, the play is more fundamentally about "what happens when two ordinary people discover that they hate who they have become".

Mortimer's co-stars will not be required to fling ketchup and custard over her naked body, as Ewan MacGregor was contractually obliged in Young Adam (2003).

Emily's people seem to be hedging their bets about her stage CV, declining to comment when asked if this might be the beginning of a new theatrical journey.

The killer Queen returns

Just when it was safe to set foot in the West End, Ben Elton sticks two fingers up at his detractors and completes a script for the sequel to his show We Will Rock You.

Critics gave Elton's Queen musical mixed reviews, from "Magnifico!" to "a pathetic adolescent piece of work", "prole-feed at its worst" and "he has done Queen a disservice with such a trite and tacky storyline". To some dismay, performances continue at the Dominion Theatre to this day.

The once-edgy Elton has delivered the draft follow-up to Queen's spiral-maned twanger Brian May, right. He is, unsurprisingly, enthusiastic.

"We have been talking about it for a long time. Now Ben has supplied us with a fabulous script," May gushes. "The train is a-rollin! Watch out!" Quite.

Staying put

A blow for Israel: the right-wing commentator Melanie "Mad Mel" Phillips denies she is to move there to pursue her calm mediation between the bickering children of Abraham.

Our Mel, who is unafraid to tackle conventions such as science, and has highlighted the way "the churches in Britain are not only silent about the genocidal ravings emanating from Iran but are themselves helping pave the way for a second Holocaust", has been learning Hebrew at the London Jewish Cultural Centre.

A mole recalls that the topic of Aliyah (Jewish immigration to Israel) was discussed and received favourably by Mel.

Enemies can pack away the bunting, though. She delightfully insists she has "no plans" to emigrate. The Dead Sea villa-hunting must wait.