Quotes of the Year

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The Independent Online

Something I said?

"You have got about as much chance of seeing him as me growing a penis by tomorrow morning. And if you tell anyone what I just said I'll break your bloody legs."

A female jailer says Britain's favourite septuagenarian lag, Ronnie Biggs, won't be getting a visit from Pandora

"Would you please fuck off and tell me who gave this to you? How dare they! You can fucking tell them they need not come."

Broadcaster Simon Fanshawe, author of a guide to 'the minefield of modern manners', suffers an 'episode' when Pandora asks why he is charging friends £35 to come to his birthday party

"For God's sake! Read the papers! I've been acting for over 50 years!"

Harold Pinter swings his stick in anger (once again) when a young lady enquires how he's enjoying his time onstage in 'Krapp's Last Tape'

"You've got me on the rentboys, but what's all this about a glass coffee table?"

Disgraced Lib Dem MP Mark Oaten disputes Pandora's version of events

Who needs enemies?

"If he stood, he would win. But can you bloody imagine it? He'd be scary. He would roar around London in a Lamborghini with a huge mayoral flagpole, shooting cyclists. I hope he doesn't go for it."

Richard Hammond casts his vote for London mayor against co-presenter Jeremy Clarkson

"Who hasn't? It's no big deal. I mean, it's no secret that Kate's not the most timid girl ever."

Jack Osbourne, 21, snogs Kate Moss

"Loki pissed all over a rug. In fact, I had to replace two rugs at the Dorchester. That dog cost me $10,000."

Mickey Rourke's chihuahua causes problems between hellraiser and hotel management

"Don't give me all that crap about the feminist vote, she's fucking hopeless If she's honest she should campaign on the 'I'm fucking useless' vote."

Alan Milburn doesn't rate Labour colleague Harriet Harman to replace Prezza

Spirit of Pinocchio Award

"I just wish people would report what I said, not what somebody has made up."

Alan Milburn denies berating Harman - not realising Pandora stood next to him when he said it

"The story is entirely without any foundation whatsoever."

Charles Hendry, 5 October, denies that his researcher James Hawkins drunkenly tried to punch him at the Tory conference

"We were standing by the bar having a perfectly pleasant conversation and within 30 seconds James's mood changed ... He climbed over the bar ... and started saying, 'Keep away from me, you're an alien'. It was the most scary thing that has ever happened to me."

Charles Hendry, 7 October

"It's nothing."

A spokesman for city kingpin Michael Spencer dismisses Pandora's story that he had agreed to become treasurer of the Conservative Party. Seven weeks later ...the party confirms his appointment

"The article in The Independent said we were merry - a terrible euphemism - when we'd hardly had a glass. That journalist obviously has no stamina himself."

Christine Hamilton, about her and Neil's onstage drinking at the Edinburgh Festival

World affairs

"I can't say anything about it!"

A Vatican spokesman declines to comment on the Pontifical Academy of Social Sciences's offer to Cherie Blair to become an academician, advising the Pope on social and legal issues

"Beirut is a hive of activity. New restaurants, clubs and bars are continually opening and continually full. Developers say boom time is now."

'Wallpaper*' style magazine's July travel feature

"It's actually not much for a busload of people. But it's a great advert for the stuff when you consider he's still out performing every night at his age."

Celebrity dope ambassador Howard Marks on country singer Willie Nelson's arrest in Louisiana for possessing marijuana and magic mushrooms

"I know who Wayne Rooney is, he's hot. But Watford? What's that?"

Scissor Sisters frontman Jake Shears doesn't share his camp pal Elton's love of football

Bon appetit

"I couldn't give a fuck what that jumped-up little French twat thinks. The only reason he's in Britain is because he failed in France. When I heard Maison Blanc had gone tits up, it added two inches to my cock!"

Gordon Ramsay. Not ami with Raymond Blanc

"The best dish I can cook, I can cook sort of spaghetti bolognese or something like that probably."

Tony Blair receives a grilling at the microphone of Konnie Huq of 'Blue Peter'

"Jean-Christophe is very busy at the moment, so any female moans would have been from people in his office being told to work harder. They certainly weren't coming from JC's bedroom."

A spokesman for Jean-Christophe Novelli firefights reports of 'a female moaning with pleasure' in the background of the chef's phone calls

The Firm

"It was damp and freezing, like he'd put it in the freezer. I just wanted to shake him off."

Pandora's companion has her hand squeezed by Harry Wales. Poor Chelsy!

"He asked if I knew any funny stories, so I said, 'No, but I know a few racist jokes,' and I asked him, 'Do you know any racist jokes?' He burst out laughing and thought I was messing about. I wasn't."

Muslim comedian Shazia Mirza meets Prince Philip

"I'll obviously do my best to make William and Harry blush. I've just been in Vegas. I can't stand the heat there. My nipple tassles kept falling off from the sweat."

Burlesque dancer Immodesty Blaize plans her dance for the princes at the Cartier International Polo

Cold shower

"Piers was a tower of strength in the trouser department. In fact, for a lazy bedmistress such as myself, it was like sexual boot camp with a naked, 6ft marine."

'Jessica' disputes the claim of 'Sally' that Piers Morgan should be known as 'Mr Floppy'

"We have sent a Rampant Rabbit to her office, by way of a thank you."

Ann Summers MD Jacqueline Gold uses unauthorised images of the health secretary, Patricia Hewitt, to advertise vibrators

"He called me 'as erotic as a darning mushroom' - which is wonderful. I might have it tattooed on my bottom."

Former 'Erotic Review' editor Rowan Pelling enjoys a bad review of her 'Decadent Handbook'

Arts & culture

"Borat will come in a Kazakh limousine - a mule. But whether he will ride the mule or a peasant woman, we don't know. People from his [fictional] village will be selling their wares to the crowd: bales of pubic hair and barrels of horse urine. There will probably be a few prostitutes in carriages."

Sacha Baron Cohen smashes cultural barriers at the premiere of 'Borat'

"I suppose I should really thank Our Kid, but as he isn't here ... fuck him! Seriously, he's gone to the zoo. The monkeys are bringing their kids to look at him."

Noel Gallagher, of his younger brother Liam, after Oasis win 'Q' magazine's Best Act in the World award

"I can see him sitting in a plush, baroque room. He worries about us and says the world has gone mad. He thinks the boys from Queen are living like old men now! He also misses sex: 'That's the only pleasure you can't get here, ha ha ha.'"

Freddie Mercury grants Pandora a world exclusive interview on his 60th birthday, through the medium 'Psychic Sally' Morgan

"We have voice and movement coaches waiting for them. Although I suspect they are already fairly agile."

Christopher Biggins, 30 August, on his training regime to transform four Los Angeles porn stars into Shakespearean actresses

"We are pleased that Tom Cruise is coming here. Especially because there is a cesspit underneath his property. Basically he will be living above a lake of shit."

A resident of East Grinstead, Sussex, welcomes Tom Cruise to the neighbourhood

"No, no, stop it, don't say it. I'm not mentioning, or even thinking of O-words at the moment, thank you very much. Except maybe orgasm."

Helen Mirren refuses to discuss her chances of an Oscar for 'The Queen'