My Secret Life: Scott Capurro, comedian, 48


My parents were... practically strangers when they married. My mother was in love with someone else, and my father couldn't keep his hands off her. Once over the threshold, she became his maid.

The household I grew up in... was full of animals. Friends were busy eating sugar while I was bottle-feeding baby raccoons and setting out mice for our pet owl, Barney.

When I was a child I wanted to... escape. My neighbour joined me on a journey that left us, at night, atop a local hill that felt like a distant mountain. I was eight years old. A helicopter's searchlight eventually identified us.

If I could change one thing about myself... I'd understand monogamy.

You wouldn't know it but I'm very good at... maths. I can do difficult percentages in my head and I really enjoy accountancy. I'm a loner and when I was in school, books were my ONLY friends.

You may not know it but I'm no good at... subtitles. Really, there are just far too many, even in French films. Like most stand-up comedians, I'm both visual and a bit autistic, and I can't focus on two things at once. Unless I'm dealing with hecklers.

I wish I'd never worn... headgear. It attached to my braces and pulled my overbite back, setting my teeth properly. I waited until they were buried before I asked my first boy on a date. His name was Jeff. He had perfect white teeth.

What I see when I look in the mirror... I used to like myself with facial hair. I grew a moustache in Australia 10 years ago and it looked fierce. Now if I skip a shave, I appear as though I should be on some sort of list of dangerous, hungover roadies.

I drive/ride... public transport. I believe in it, fortunately, because I'm a terrible driver. North of the Golden Gate, on a dark freeway, I drove into the gut of a huge deer and it exploded. I was on the phone, bitching about something. After that, I sold the car and now I mostly rely on the bus.

Movie heaven... is my local DVD rental place, which is all woody inside, and run by some adorable, pale, thin-armed nerds who organise a Tuesday night film retrospective at the Bethnal Green Working Men's Club. The host with scrambled-eggs hair mispronounces everyone remotely foreign. The seats are stiff and upright, they only serve Tetley's tea or jug wine and the place is freezing cold, even in the summer. I'm a regular.

My secret crush is... Gordon Brown. I met him at the – snore – the Hay Festival. We shook hands and said hello. He's got a very strong grip, which made me tumescent. He's also mastered a gorgeous smile. He seemed glamorous and contrite at the same time, like Jimmy Carter, whom I also adore.

My greatest regrets... are too embarrassing to list, because they're mostly professional, self-serving and egocentric. What's important is my mum knew I loved her.

What's the point? Win every argument, and disprove authority. All we have is our ideas, or someone else's, and every idea and fact is worth joking about.

My life in six words... I'm not Hindu, I'm a hippy.

A life in brief

Scott Capurro was born in San Francisco in 1962. As an actor, he appeared in Mrs Doubtfire, before turning to comedy, winning the Perrier Award at the Edinburgh Festival in 1994. Guests on his live chat show, Scott Capurro's Position, have included Michael Barrymore, Vivienne Westwood and Boy George; it is currently at the Gilded Balloon in Edinburgh, to 24 August, while his stand-up show, Who Are the Jocks, is at the Pleasance to 29 August. Capurro lives in east London

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs People

Recruitment Genius: Office Manager

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: Have you been doing a brilliant job in an admi...

Surrey County Council: Senior Project Officer (Fixed Term to Feb 2019)

£26,498 - £31,556: Surrey County Council: We are looking for an outgoing, conf...

Recruitment Genius: Interim Head of HR

£50000 - £60000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you an innovative, senior H...

Recruitment Genius: Human Resources and Payroll Administrator

£20000 - £22000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Our client, a very well respect...

Day In a Page

The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

Netanyahu knows he can get away with anything in America, says Robert Fisk
Families clubbing together to build their own affordable accommodation

Do It Yourself approach to securing a new house

Community land trusts marking a new trend for taking the initiative away from developers
Head of WWF UK: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

David Nussbaum: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

The head of WWF UK remains sanguine despite the Government’s failure to live up to its pledges on the environment
Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Set in a mythologised 5th-century Britain, ‘The Buried Giant’ is a strange beast
With money, corruption and drugs, this monk fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’

Money, corruption and drugs

The monk who fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’
America's first slavery museum established at Django Unchained plantation - 150 years after slavery outlawed

150 years after it was outlawed...

... America's first slavery museum is established in Louisiana
Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

The first 'American Idol' winner on how she manages to remain her own woman – Jane Austen fascination and all
Tony Oursler on exploring our uneasy relationship with technology with his new show

You won't believe your eyes

Tony Oursler's new show explores our uneasy relationship with technology. He's one of a growing number of artists with that preoccupation
Ian Herbert: Peter Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

The England coach leaves players to find solutions - which makes you wonder where he adds value, says Ian Herbert
War with Isis: Fears that the looming battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

The battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

Aid agencies prepare for vast exodus following planned Iraqi offensive against the Isis-held city, reports Patrick Cockburn
Yvette Cooper: We can't lose the election. There's too much on the line

Yvette Cooper: We can't lose the election. There's too much on the line

The shadow Home Secretary on fighting radical Islam, protecting children, and why anyone in Labour who's thinking beyond May must 'sort themselves out'
A bad week for the Greens: Leader Natalie Bennett's 'car crash' radio interview is followed by Brighton council's failure to set a budget due to infighting

It's not easy being Green

After a bad week in which its leader had a public meltdown and its only city council couldn't agree on a budget vote, what next for the alternative party? It's over to Caroline Lucas to find out
Gorillas nearly missed: BBC producers didn't want to broadcast Sir David Attenborough's famed Rwandan encounter

Gorillas nearly missed

BBC producers didn't want to broadcast Sir David Attenborough's famed Rwandan encounter
Downton Abbey effect sees impoverished Italian nobles inspired to open their doors to paying guests for up to €650 a night

The Downton Abbey effect

Impoverished Italian nobles are opening their doors to paying guests, inspired by the TV drama
China's wild panda numbers have increased by 17% since 2003, new census reveals

China's wild panda numbers on the up

New census reveals 17% since 2003