MI5 needs a health and safety chief (but you didn't hear it from us)

British intelligence service advertises post, but warns 'we can't tell you much about the job. We can't give exact locations'

MI5 needs a new head of health and safety, but for potential applicants who've spied the job vacancy on its website, there are a few drawbacks.

"We can't show you the buildings," the ad warns.

"We can't talk about the people you'll work with. We can't tell you much about the job.

"We can't give you the exact locations. We can't mention the kind of technology involved.

"Is it still a risk worth taking?"

With a fairly hefty £60,000 salary, the answer for most wannabe non-risktaking Bonds is likely to be "yes".

But, the ad continues, "for the Head of Health and Safety role you must be CMIOSH". And that's to say nothing of having a Nebosh diploma.

But, far from implying you're a member of a sinister eastern European underground organisation dedicated to the overthrow of western society, CMIOSH simply means "chartered member of IOSH" (the distinctly less menacing-sounding Institute of Health and Safety).

A Nebosh diploma, as any decent applicant will know, is a diploma issued by The National Examination Board in Occupational Safety and Health. Not quite as glamorous as a licence to kill, admittedly, but also less likely to see you strapped to a board while a laser heads toward your nether regions and a genial megalomaniac tells you he expects you to die.

"A dry orange squash, carefully stirred please": James Bond's top five health and safety nightmares.

5. Grappling with Jaws on the roof of a cable car in Rio.

- Neither of the men are wearing protective gloves, to say nothing of a hi-viz jacket. Jaws should really be wearing a mouth guard.

4. Driving an Aston Martin DB5 at high speed through a Swiss forest.

- Neither Bond nor Tilly Masterson are wearing a seatbelt. Some of those modifications to the Aston Martin are definitely not road illegal and the DVLA would not be happy about the multiple numberplates.

3. Driving a rocket boat down the Thames then dropping on to the Millennium Dome from a hot air balloon.

- Bond is flagrantly defying the Environment Agency's advice here to "avoid turning your boat near bridges, bends and locks". If he was upstream of Teddington, he'd be breaking the 5mph speed limit. As for jumping from the boat on to the rope that holds the hot air balloon, too many health and safety breaches to mention.

2. Driving a tank through St Petersburg.

- Several traffic bylaws clearly being contravened here, as well as the illegal destruction of a wall. Despite continually poking his head out of the tank, Bond is not wearing a helmet and, I suspect, not a seatbelt when inside it either.

1. Strapped to a gold table as a laser comes toward him.

- Despite the risk of potential blindness from the (clearly unlicensed) laser neither Bond nor Auric Goldfinger are wearing protective goggles. The restraint cuffs holding Bond to the gold table do not appear to conform to BSI standards.

News
peopleHowards' Way actress, and former mistress of Jeffrey Archer, was 60
Sport
Romelu Lukaku puts pen to paper
sport
News
Robyn Lawley
people
Arts and Entertainment
Unhappy days: Resistance spy turned Nobel prize winner Samuel Beckett
books
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
News
ebookA unique anthology of reporting and analysis of a crucial period of history
News
people
Life and Style
Troy Baker and Ashley Johnson voice the show’s heroes
gamingOnce stilted and melodramatic, Hollywood is giving acting in video games a makeover
News
i100
Life and Style
Phones will be able to monitor your health, from blood pressure to heart rate, and even book a doctor’s appointment for you
techCould our smartphones soon be diagnosing diseases via Health Kit and Google Fit?
News
people
Extras
indybest
Travel
Ryan taming: the Celtic Tiger carrier has been trying to improve its image
travelRyanair has turned on the 'charm offensive' but can we learn to love the cut-price carrier again?
Sport
Usain Bolt confirms he will run in both the heats and the finals of the men's relay at the Commonwealth Games
commonwealth games
Life and Style
Slim pickings: Spanx premium denim collection
fashionBillionaire founder of Spanx launches range of jeans that offers 'thigh-trimming construction'
News
Sabina Altynbekova has said she wants to be famous for playing volleyball, not her looks
people
News
i100
Life and Style
tech'World's first man-made leaves' could use photosynthesis to help astronauts breathe
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

SAP Project Manager

competitive: Progressive Recruitment: SAP PROJECT MANAGER - 3 MONTHS - BERKSHI...

SAP Project Manager

competitive: Progressive Recruitment: SAP PROJECT MANAGER - 3 MONTHS - BERKSHI...

Senior Investment Accounting Change Manager

£600 - £700 per day + competitive: Orgtel: Senior Investment Accounting Change...

Microsoft Dynamics AX Functional Consultant

£65000 - £75000 per annum + benefits: Progressive Recruitment: A rare opportun...

Day In a Page

Save the tiger: The day America’s love of backyard tigers led to a horrific bloodbath

The day America’s love of backyard tigers led to a horrific bloodbath

With only six per cent of the US population of these amazing big cats held in zoos, the Zanesville incident in 2011 was inevitable
Samuel Beckett's biographer reveals secrets of the writer's time as a French Resistance spy

How Samuel Beckett became a French Resistance spy

As this year's Samuel Beckett festival opens in Enniskillen, James Knowlson, recalls how the Irish writer risked his life for liberty and narrowly escaped capture by the Gestapo
We will remember them: relatives still honour those who fought in the Great War

We will remember them

Relatives still honour those who fought in the Great War
Star Wars Episode VII is being shot on film - and now Kodak is launching a last-ditch bid to keep celluloid alive

Kodak's last-ditch bid to keep celluloid alive

Director J J Abrams and a few digital refuseniks shoot movies on film. Simon Usborne wonders what the fuss is about
Once stilted and melodramatic, Hollywood is giving acting in video games a makeover

Acting in video games gets a makeover

David Crookes meets two of the genre's most popular voices
Could our smartphones soon be diagnosing diseases via Health Kit and Google Fit?

Could smartphones soon be diagnosing diseases?

Health Kit and Google Fit have been described as "the beginning of a health revolution"
Ryanair has turned on the 'charm offensive' but can we learn to love the cut-price carrier again?

Can we learn to love Ryanair again?

Four recent travellers give their verdicts on the carrier's improved customer service
Billionaire founder of Spanx launches range of jeans that offers

Spanx launches range of jeans

The jeans come in two styles, multiple cuts and three washes and will go on sale in the UK in October
10 best over-ear headphones

Aural pleasure: 10 best over-ear headphones

Listen to your favourite tracks with this selection, offering everything from lambskin earmuffs to stainless steel
Commonwealth Games 2014: David Millar ready to serve up gold for his beloved Scotland in the end

Commonwealth Games

David Millar ready to serve up gold for his beloved Scotland in the end
UCI Mountain Bike World Cup 2014: Downhill all the way to the top for the Atherton siblings

UCI Mountain Bike World Cup

Downhill all the way to the top for the Atherton siblings
Save the tiger: The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The big cats kept in captivity to perform for paying audiences and then, when dead, their bodies used to fortify wine
A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery all included in top 50 hidden spots in the UK

A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery

Introducing the top 50 hidden spots in Britain
Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

How a disease that has claimed fewer than 2,000 victims in its history has earned a place in the darkest corner of the public's imagination
Chris Pratt: From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

He was homeless in Hawaii when he got his big break. Now the comic actor Chris Pratt is Hollywood's new favourite action star