Are you Andrew Mitchell in disguise? Take the test, plebs...


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Indy Politics

1) You are shopping in Waitrose and turn into an aisle that is blocked by a harassed mother, her trolley and two small children. Do you:

a) Back up, and use another aisle to get to the 2-for-1 All-Bran deal.

b) Politely ask her to move, and thank her profusely for so doing.

c) Grab her handbag, toss it into an adjoining aisle, kick one child, elbow the other, smash a way through with your trolley and shout: "Out of the way, plebs! I'm the Chief f***ing Whip!"

2) You return from hols and find that, in your absence, your neighbour has taken the Government's advice and built a 40ft extension without planning permission. Do you:

a) Smile when you see him, and say nothing, mostly because he is bigger than you are.

b) Write to your local councillor asking if you have any grounds to object.

c) Storm into the back garden, climb over the fence, scream, "What the f*** is this? It looks like a Nairobi shanty-town, you chavvy f***ing pleb", and begin demolishing the thing with your sledgehammer.

3) Your child receives her GCSE results and finds they are not quite as good as expected. Do you:

a) Put a comforting arm around her shoulder, and say: "Never mind, darling, you'll just have to re-sit."

b) Write to the school, asking politely what the procedure for an appeal is.

c) Burst into assembly one morning, just as the pupils are starting to sing the final verse of "All Things Bright and Beautiful", knock over the lectern, point an accusatory finger at the headteacher, wave your daughter's results in her face and yell: "What the f*** is this? Do you know who I am? I'm the Chief f***ing Whip! Get this result changed or I'll get this place into special measures before you can say Michael f***ing Gove!"

All C's? ... You are Andrew Mitchell!