No Theresa May, running through wheat fields is not the naughtiest thing you have ever done

Sketch: If The Prime Minister thinks running through a field is how to upset a British farmer, wait til she comes back from Brussels

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Indy Politics

To have two consecutive prime ministers who have both done the naughtiest things they have ever done in fields in Oxfordshire is not on the face of that unlikely.

But Theresa May is a full 10 years older than her predecessor, a fact that renders real the horrifying possibility that her own misdemeanour, running through fields of wheat, much to the upset of a local farmer, could have occurred at the very same alleged moment that David Cameron was allegedly at an alleged undergraduate party, allegedly doing his, (also we must presume, much to the upset of a local farmer).

The sheer panic on Ms May’s face, when asked by ITV’s Julie Etchingham to name the naughtiest thing she had ever done, is subject to many interpretations. She knows MI5 deleted the files years ago on her youth running Heythrop’s most notorious drug gang out of her father’s vicarage, so we must conclude she didn’t suddenly fear getting rumbled for that.

It could be the rising fear that she would have nothing at all to say, having never done anything naughty at all, not even once, but then you must recall that this is a woman who had Immigrants Go Home vans driven round racially sensitive neighbourhoods.

“Well, nobody is ever perfectly behaved are they?” she said, building surely to the confession that, yes, constantly saying you’ll do one thing, like, for example, not call a general election, and then doing it would not be an example of perfect behaviour, but then deciding to play it safe and just say. “I mean, you know, I have to confess, when me and my friends sort of used to run through the fields of wheat, the farmers weren’t too pleased about that.”

There are also presumably one or two members of her party with rather stern views on the rights or wrongs of blowing a 20-point poll lead, but given most of such people refer to the leader of their party as “mummy”, they will know it is not right for baby to imagine mummy doing anything naughty.

That the likely future prime minister has never done anything naughtier than through a wheat field is just another bit of data to throw in the old election prediction pot, the contents of which have surely never appeared browner than in 2017. It is only a few hours until a face starts to appear.

It is a longstanding tradition that departing prime ministers donate a few books for the shelves of the Cabinet room in 10 Downing Street. Thus far only Margaret Thatcher has ever bequeathed her own autobiography. Should Theresa May leave the same strange gift, one thing is certain. If she is walking back in through that door on Friday morning, there will be significantly more naughty deeds to come. In Brussels this time, and these ones will really wind up the farmers.

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