Froth! The pointless Labour leadership farce

A tale of high ambition, low cunning and bitter coffee. Jane Merrick reports, in the style of the 70s parody <i>Soap</i>

This is the story of two brothers. And a husband and wife. And a former postman. And a spoilt rich girl. Between them, they have more plots than they do votes. They all live here, the Westminster village. And they all want to be leader of the Labour Party.

Confused? You won’t be, after this episode of … Froth!

Our first episode finds us in Downing Street. Gordon is leader of the Labour Party and Prime Minister. A long time ago he fell out with Tony, and Tony’s evil twin, Peter. But after Gordon suffered amnesia, he became best friends with Peter, and together they run the country.

The economy is in a very bad way, and everyone is starting to blame Gordon. Gordon thinks Peter can help him do better in the polls, and until last week, Peter told Gordon he was doing really well.

But then Howard, the rich American neighbour with the big coffee business, pointed out that Britain was not doing well at all under Gordon, and Peter lost his normal cool. “Who the fuck is he?” said Peter. Because Howard was actually telling the truth, and because he blames strong espresso for his twin Tony’s dicky heart, Peter vowed never to drink another cup of coffee for as long as he lived.

Which is just as well, because next door to Labour Party headquarters is a branch of Howard’s coffee shop where Gordon’s rivals go to plot. Muffled by the sound of steam and clattering crockery, at least 20 cabinet ministers have been spotted in recent days planning their own leadership bids.

Many believe Johnson, Gordon’s wisecracking butler and a former postman, is the only sensible person who can succeed his boss.

But Gordon wants Ed, who is married to Yvette, to be leader when he stands down. It is thought Ed was abducted by aliens some time ago, because he may not have eyelids.

Ed used to be friends with Douglas. But Douglas became jealous that Ed was so close to Gordon, and wants to Stop Ed becoming leader because he wants the job himself.

People started talking about Gordon planning to move on to a big financial job, and everyone blamed Harriet, the spoilt rich girl, for starting the rumours so she could position herself to take over.

Harriet denied she started it, and fingers pointed to Douglas, who not only wants to Stop Ed but also to Stop Harriet. Then it was clamed that Yvette was being urged to put herself forward to Stop Harriet, but of course this would also mean she would want to Stop Ed, her husband, so no one really believed it.

No one, that was, except David. He had been busy working out how to Stop Ed. Someone in the Foreign Office, where he works, asked him whether he should be dealing with Britain’s role in torture, but he is now wondering whether he needs to plan how to Stop Yvette. David once tried to challenge Gordon, but after a hilarious mix-up with a banana, everyone thinks he is finished.

Which is good news for David’s brother, the Other Ed, who was once best friends with Ed and Douglas until they all fell out over who was Gordon’s best friend.

The Other Ed wants to be leader too, and tried to win support from MPs by opposing a third runway at Heathrow, but he lost the argument to Peter.

Tessa, who is still close to Peter’s twin Tony, used to want David to be leader but now thinks James is the answer, even though he may only be 13. But Tessa has been distracted recently because her husband has been found guilty of accepting a bribe from the Italian Prime Minister.

Tessa says she is estranged from her husband but neighbours have reported hearing Italian opera coming from her bedroom.

This has been a distraction from the real action further up the street, where curtains have been twitching because Jacqui is in trouble for pretending to live with her sister Sarah, while claiming expenses for her real home, which is 10 times bigger.

Jacqui would like to Stop Gordon from sacking her at the next reshuffle, so is making an effort to be seen going into and leaving her sister’s house at all hours of the day and night. One evening she started a fight outside the local kebab house and had to be carried home by her police protection officers.

Will Harriet knife Gordon? Will Ed and Ed ever speak again? Will Peter learn to love coffee? Who is Andy? And will Jacqui ever do her share of the washing up? With the election more than a year away, the economy in deep recession, public debt at £1.5 trillion and home repossessions rising, does any of this really matter?

Tune in next week to find out, in the next episode of … Froth!