Off Message: An anonymous MP writes

Monday The Tory billboards have disappeared. Dire warnings of super viruses and migrant hordes have been replaced by beautiful English women with impossibly long legs reclining on DFS sofas. I am suspicious. Are these in fact Tory posters revealing an idyllic Britain free of aliens, disease and council tax? "Vote Tory - get a free DFS pouffe!" I am becoming paranoid.

Monday The Tory billboards have disappeared. Dire warnings of super viruses and migrant hordes have been replaced by beautiful English women with impossibly long legs reclining on DFS sofas. I am suspicious. Are these in fact Tory posters revealing an idyllic Britain free of aliens, disease and council tax? "Vote Tory - get a free DFS pouffe!" I am becoming paranoid.

Tuesday An old friend visits to help. We deliver leaflets in a hurricane. He suffers the classic deliverer's injury. Fingers jammed into the plastic draft excluder, he is easy meat for the house dog which removes a nail and a chunk of flesh. Off to hospital for a tetanus jab. Nine days to go.

Wednesday Iraq explodes on the campaign with a predictable vengeance. The Attorney General's advice reveals no more than many of us had suspected. I have a sense of dull anger. All over the country decent Labour candidates who, as MPs, fought and campaigned against this debacle now have it hung round their necks like a dead bird.

Thursday Off to Canterbury for Radio Kent hustings. I hear a wonderful story from a long-term Labour stalwart. She wears a lucky charm on her necklace in the form of a five-point star. She is canvassed by a Tory. She tells him politely that he is wasting his time. Undeterred, he informs her that she "has something in common with Michael Howard". "What?" she asks alarmed. "You're both Jewish immigrants," he says. She says: "My family have lived in Kent for 500 years."