Tom Peck's Sketch: Imagine what Boris Johnson told David Cameron about his voting intentions...

Mr Johnson called at No 10, in an ill-fitting London Underground woollen hat, for a bit of last-minute persuasion

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Indy Politics

Boris Johnson has said that he will publicly declare his allegiances as in Inner or an Outer in the EU referendum on Friday – “with deafening éclat”. Today he called at No 10, in an ill-fitting London Underground woollen hat, for a bit of last-minute persuasion.

“Davey old boy, how is one? Jolly voting weather, as we used to say at school.”

“It’s two degrees Boris.”

“I refer, or referendum, in my preferred Latin, to the referendum, soon to be upon us in the merry month of Juno. Ah Juno, Queen of the Gods, patroness of marriage. Shall she bear witness to the continuation of most unhappy union or shall it be decree not so nisi?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Dave. I’ve made up my mind. I shall state my case with the most deafening, the most creamy of all éclats. That is for certain. What my case shall be, I do not know. Persuade me.”

“This is serious, Boris. People will lose their jobs. Small businesses will close. Surely even you are not so cynical as to exploit it all for your own political gain?”

“You underestimate me Daveroo. Do you not remember the GQ Awards in 2013? When I poked my pea shooter right up the snozz of old Eddie Miliband? Most people didn’t think bumbling Boris would dare to make a joke about gassed Syrian children just to score the cheapest of all political points. They underestimated me. Will you be brave enough to do the same?” 

“Actually, I don’t care.”

Boris says no deal yet

“I beg most urgently your pardoning?”

“You sound like Russell Brand, Boris. I said I don’t care. If you want to spend the next four months hanging around with Chris Grayling and Nigel Farage and David Davis then go ahead. You’ve spent the past 20 years going on about how dreadful the EU is. You’ll look like a hypocrite if you don’t.”

“Ah, Prime Minister. But if you were to offer me a cabinet position…”

“Okay. Which one would you like? The only one I’ve got coming up is Work and Pensions. Would you say you’ve got the face to be the Face of the Bedroom Tax?”

“Now, now. This referendum is going to be as tight as a fag's fag end. This Leave Out the Grassroots lot couldn’t organise libations upon a licensed premises but they’re still on 46 per cent. Now, if they had a voice? A leader? Vox populi. Vox dei?”

“This referendum is about what’s best the economy. Everyone knows that. If you want to turn it into the Cameron vs Boris show, I say go ahead. If I win, that will be the end of you. If you win, I’m stepping down anyway. If you were lucky, you’d get my job just in time to sort out the mess. The stock market crashing. The banks upping and leaving. Me, in quiet retirement. Maybe writing a book. 'Boris Johnson: The Tory Gordon Brown.' What do you think?”

“Prime Minister, I have decided. You shall have my éclat. Prepare to be deafened.”

“I thought I might. Now put your London Underground hat back on. Your car’s outside.”