These important truths will be exposed at Wembley Arena next weekend. An audience of - well, 102 people are going at present but the arena holds 12,000 - will be told that the recession and Maastricht, not to mention Margaret Thatcher's overthrow and the Prince of Wales's marital troubles, are all part of a plot by a secret hereditary elite to establish complete domination of the planet.
In two 12-hour sessions, an international panel of eight speakers - from the United States, Bulgaria, Japan, the Netherlands and Australia - will detail the elite's clandestine moves towards a New World Order. The methods encompass anti-gravity spacecraft, mass hypnosis, genetic engineering and Aids - which was deliberately developed, a Los Angeles doctor will explain, to eliminate 'non-productive' people in the Third World.
The woman who has stumped up the necessary pounds 120,000 for the First International Conference That Exposes a Global Deception is Mary Seal, a 48-year-old former public relations officer. From her Walsall semi she has rumbled Lamont, Major, Yeltsin, Clinton and the rest. 'I have been researching for many, many years,' she explained. 'I've looked at history, at religions, at secret societies. A lot of people have been looking at this conspiratorial theme. They are aware of the intrigues, the fact that history has been twisted. However, everyone seems to be looking at a fragmented piece of a huge puzzle, unable to see a complete picture.'
The complete picture, says Ms Seal, is that 'people have been pulling the strings behind every event that has happened - First World War, Second World War, the Bolshevik revolution, which was a complete hoax.'
Who exactly? 'You just have to look at who owns the controlling interest in the major oil companies, the pharmaceuticals, the petro-chemicals, the international banks, the federal reserve system, the Bundesbank. It's the same names all the time. Hitler was financed by these people. These people financed the Allies as well. Lenin was financed, of course, by the same people. I could name three hundred of them now but to do it out of context would sound ludicrous.'
Perhaps this is the moment to ask about mental stability. 'People who try to stop what's happening are always portrayed like that,' Ms Seal said. She has no history of psychiatric problems.
Ms Seal's accent has traces of Italy and the West Midlands, but she is happier discussing George Bush's past life than her own. Born near Milan, she came to Birmingham aged nine. Brought up a Catholic, she believes in God, but is not a member of any religious or political group. She disappointed her father, a research chemist, by leaving school at 17, first to work as a secretary and then in public relations.
In 1978 she left to travel on the Continent and in Africa, pursuing her interests in photography, Gothic cathedrals, Egyptology and symbology. She returned in 1989 to found an unsuccessful company importing advertising signs. She has never married and has no children, but she has lived for a year with Keith Mear, who has helped her raise money by cashing in his insurance policies and selling a house.
Recent events spurred Ms Seal to reveal the big picture. A united Europe is essential to the New World Order. Hence, the importance of Maastricht and of Baroness Thatcher's overthrow. The 'smear campaign' against the Prince of Wales is also significant - he is 'a very honest person' whose ascension to the throne the conspirators were determined to prevent. The growing deployment of United Nations troops is alarming - they will be used to enforce the New World Order. Said Ms Seal: 'They are already declaring states of emergency all over the world. There is not much left for them to do. Their New World Order is almost here. It's like a pyramid and we are just getting to the cornerstone.'
The clincher, Ms Seal explained, was the search launched last year by Nasa, the US space agency, for extra-terrestrial intelligence. 'They are going to declare some sort of threat which will make it absolutely imperative that the whole world forgets national sovereignty and personal identity and has to unite,' she said, hands chopping the air. 'They will say they have seen something from outer space. This will be a hoax. It will be a gradual presentation. My estimate is, maximum, 1995.'
The tickets for Wembley Arena - whose spokesman described Ms Seal and her friends as 'very committed people' - cost from pounds 10.75 to pounds 20.50. Ms Seal promises 'the complete picture, and everything that is happening, and has happened, will suddenly make sense to everyone'.
Outside, only my car radio breaks the suburban silence: with Paddy Ashdown insisting on the deployment of more UN troops and James Naughtie's previously reassuring brogue.
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