The election cliches will come out fighting

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The Independent Online
Where is the next election?

In the offing.

Is it just in the offing?

No. It is also almost upon us. Coming ever nearer and nearer. Imminent.

And what will it bring, this imminent election?


How many cliches?

Cliches galore. Loadsa cliches. More cliches.

More cliches than what?

More cliches than you can shake a stick at.

Good. How is the Prime Minister looking forward to it?

He is raring.

Raring? Raring to what?

Sorry. Raring to go. He is very eager.

For what is he eager?

The fray.

And before he enters the fray, what part of his clothing will he roll up?

His trouser-legs?

I think not. Higher ...

His sleeves! He will roll up his sleeves and get down to it!

Good. But tell me, if the Prime Minister is raring to go, why has he waited so long? Why has he not called an election named after a popular card game?

A snap election?


Because he has been biding.

Biding what?

His time. He has also been waiting.

Just waiting?

No. He has also been seeing. Waiting and seeing.

And yet the PM enjoys elections?

Yes. That is because he is a glutton.

For what corrective treatment is he a glutton ?

For punishment. So he will come out.

What will the PM be doing as he comes out?


What will he do with this fight?

He will take it.

Where will he take the fight?

To the enemy.

Is he a good fighter ?

Oh, yes. He can dish it out.

But that isn't all he can do, is it?

No. He can also take it.

On what part of the anatomy can he take it?

His chin. Despite his ignorance.

His ignorance? What does he not know?

When he is beaten.

In what undignified position will he not take it?

Lying down.

Thank you. Do people think he can win?

Some do. They think he is on a small breakfast item.

On what small breakfast item do they think John Major is?

A roll. But others think he is on a hiding.

Is he on a hiding to a very small number ?

Yes. He is on a hiding to nothing.

I see. Will he give up ?

Never. He will always grasp.

At what?

At straws.

And in what part of the atmosphere are these straws of which you speak ?

In the wind.

So this could be quite a tussle, this election ?

Oh, yes. It will be a cliffhanger.

What part of their anatomy will people be biting?

Their nails.

What noise will the battle make?

Ding dong.

And where will it go to?

The wire.

Thank you, Mr cliche expert.

Not at all. Incidentally ...


There is a good chance that many Irish readers will write in and complain that we have stolen this cliche expert idea from their Myles na Gopaleen.

Oh, dear. And what do we tell them?

That he stole it from an American called Frank Sullivan in the first place.

Thank you.

Not at all.