Noddy Wakes Up and Smells the Coffee

Some things never change, and Noddy, who will be 60 this week, is one of them. Sadly, the rest of the world has, as Chris Joseph reports
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"Goodness," said Noddy as he woke up in the sweet little house Big Ears had helped him build in the nicest corner of Toytown, "I'm 60 years old today! And I can't even count that high!" The sun was shining brightly, which made Noddy feel happy, even though global warming had already reduced the Lego Forest to molten sludge and the Toytown pond to a stagnant puddle dotted with duck corpses.

Noddy ate his breakfast of quinoa and green tea. Mr Gok the fashion consultant had said that, at his age, Noddy should lose a few pounds – "especially if you WILL wear red and blue together, girlfriend, although I LOVE the neckerchief!"

Noddy looked around for Bumpy Dog. He had forgotten that Bumpy Dog had been destroyed under the Dangerous Toys Act after knocking down Mr Fiddler the MP. Mr Fiddler had pulled up the drawbridge over his moat, and hadn't come out since!

Stepping outside, Noddy waved to his nextdoor neighbours, the Tubby Bears, who were standing outside their house next to a pile of furniture. "Hello!" he waved, "have you bought me a present for my birthday?"

"Don't be f***ing stupid Noddy," shouted Mr Tubby Bear, "I bloody told you we lost our savings in the Toytownsbanki of Iceland when the bear market collapsed, and our house was repossessed after my job at the Meccano factory was outsourced to Romania. And stop tinkling that stupid f***ing bell at me!"

"Right ho!" said Noddy, jumping into his little yellow car and sounding the horn, parp parp. Although Noddy loved his car, he was considering taking the scrappage fee and investing in something inexpensive and electric – a Scalextric, perhaps. He didn't trust the train set since it had been privatised.

Noddy had only driven a few yards when he saw Mr Plod the Policeman. "Hello Mr Plod," he called, "can I give you a lift?"

"Suspect wearing a hoodie in an unlicensed minicab in a low-emission zone," said Mr Plod into his radio. "Will arrest him under the Prevention of Terrorism Act." Mr Plod yanked Noddy out of his car and struck him in the abdomen with his truncheon. "Golly!" said Noddy.

"Now he's inciting racial hatred," said Mr Plod into his radio, hitting Noddy on the head and making his bell ring. As he lost consciousness, Noddy noticed that Mr Plod had removed the identification numbers from his uniform...

Noddy was kept in a cell overnight with Sly and Gobbo. They had been filmed dealing amphetamines to the Teletubbies in a special investigative edition of In the Night Garden, and Mr Plod had been forced to arrest them. In the morning, Noddy was charged with assaulting a police officer. Big Ears came to pick him up.

"Thanks for bailing me out, Big Ears," said Noddy to his friend as they drove away from the police station.

Big Ears winced. "Actually, those of us who are 'auricularly different' find that sort of nickname offensive Noddy," he said. Noddy shrugged.

"Let's go back to my house," said Noddy. "Mr Wobbly Man is doing a breakdance routine on Toytown's Got Talent. I love Mr Simon the Megalomaniac. He's so kind."

Sighing, Big Ears wondered again whether his friend really should take so much Prozac.

At Noddy's house they found an envelope on the doormat. "Perhaps it's a birthday card!" said Noddy. But it wasn't!

"I say, Big Ears," said Noddy. "According to this letter Mr Fred the Shred has messed up my pension, and I'll have to work for another 60 years!"

Suddenly, Noddy began to cry. His shoulders shook so hard it made the little bell on his cap ring, tinkle, tinkle.