Wanted: ageing bass guitarist - satisfaction guaranteed: The Rolling Stones have a rhythm section vacancy. David Lister offers a job description
A founder member of The Independent David Lister joined the paper in 1986 as Assistant Home Editor. He became the paper's arts correspondent in 1988 and is now Arts Editor and writes a column each Saturday. He is a Fellow of the Royal Society of Arts.
Friday 08 January 1993
Applicants will need a thorough knowledge of the company's musical output in the mid-Sixties and early Seventies but need not bother to familiarise themselves with any subsequent output, as nobody else has.
Applicants must be prepared to travel, particularly if the Chancellor of the Exchequer raises taxes, though travel in the service of the company should not occur more than once every five years.
This is an equal opportunities position. The band operates a strict anti- ageist policy. Indeed only applicants over the age of 50 will be considered so as not to inflict psychological trauma on existing staff.
A black bass guitarist would be a welcome addition, though the band firmly denies any suggestion that this would go some way to recompensing the large number of black musicians whose material helped them to world fame.
Applicants must be prepared to work as part of a team. This will involve allowing Mick Jagger and Keith Richards to conduct all interviews, compose all material and take the largest percentages of earnings. If this is a problem, the applicant should have a laid-back, matey chat with them, through their lawyers. The successful applicant will need to manage his own financial affairs and should secure the services of accountants, stockbrokers and estate agents to purchase chateaux and the occasional island against tax.
However, it is advisable to keep these pursuits unpublicised as the company has spent many years cultivating a corporate image of recklessness linked to an anti-establishment philosophy.
On work abroad, it will be necessary to demonstrate this corporate image by throwing televisions through hotel windows; applicants will need to undertake prior body-building exercises for this. Candidates with prostate trouble should declare this on their applications.
Current fads and fashions must be studiously ignored. The new member will have to have mastered largely forgotten life skills such as joint-rolling, cocaine snorting and unsafe sex. Applicants with children are permitted, though no under-16s are allowed backstage unless they are female and sleeping with one of the rhythm section.
Candidates should understand that in joining The Rolling Stones they are likely to become among the richest musicians in the world while being unlikely ever to be asked to perform their music on Top Of The Pops, see their records in the charts or be recognised by anyone under the age of 30. Any candidate who is confused by that should not apply.
The Rolling Stones plc will supply in- service training in sight reading and 12- bar blues.
- 1 'Women should not laugh in public,' says Turkey's Deputy Prime Minister in morality speech
- 2 The secret report that helps Israel hide facts
- 3 Is Ebola coming to Britain? UK health officials issue warning to doctors as outbreak fears grow
- 4 Richard Dawkins says 'date rape is bad, stranger rape is worse' on Twitter
- 5 Danish TV reporter is all business up top, all party down below
The secret report that helps Israel hide facts
A day in the life of Vladimir Putin: The dictator in his labyrinth
Woman and two children killed by mob in riots over 'blasphemous' Facebook post in Pakistan
Putin is 'thuggish, dishonest and reckless', says British ambassador to US
Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite – Britain as others see us
A new Russian revolution: The cracks are starting to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc
- < Previous
- Next >
Competitive: The Green Recruitment Company: The Organisation: The Green Recrui...
£350 - £400 per annum + competitive: Orgtel: Project Manager (specializing in ...
£40000 - £50000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: Embedded Sof...
£50000 - £65000 per annum + Benefits: Progressive Recruitment: Working for a m...