Wanted: ageing bass guitarist - satisfaction guaranteed: The Rolling Stones have a rhythm section vacancy. David Lister offers a job description

OWING TO the departure of Bill Wyman, 55, to 'pursue other interests' (lock up your granddaughters) a vacancy has arisen for the post of bass guitarist with The Rolling Stones plc.

Applicants will need a thorough knowledge of the company's musical output in the mid-Sixties and early Seventies but need not bother to familiarise themselves with any subsequent output, as nobody else has.

Applicants must be prepared to travel, particularly if the Chancellor of the Exchequer raises taxes, though travel in the service of the company should not occur more than once every five years.

This is an equal opportunities position. The band operates a strict anti- ageist policy. Indeed only applicants over the age of 50 will be considered so as not to inflict psychological trauma on existing staff.

A black bass guitarist would be a welcome addition, though the band firmly denies any suggestion that this would go some way to recompensing the large number of black musicians whose material helped them to world fame.

Applicants must be prepared to work as part of a team. This will involve allowing Mick Jagger and Keith Richards to conduct all interviews, compose all material and take the largest percentages of earnings. If this is a problem, the applicant should have a laid-back, matey chat with them, through their lawyers. The successful applicant will need to manage his own financial affairs and should secure the services of accountants, stockbrokers and estate agents to purchase chateaux and the occasional island against tax.

However, it is advisable to keep these pursuits unpublicised as the company has spent many years cultivating a corporate image of recklessness linked to an anti-establishment philosophy.

On work abroad, it will be necessary to demonstrate this corporate image by throwing televisions through hotel windows; applicants will need to undertake prior body-building exercises for this. Candidates with prostate trouble should declare this on their applications.

Current fads and fashions must be studiously ignored. The new member will have to have mastered largely forgotten life skills such as joint-rolling, cocaine snorting and unsafe sex. Applicants with children are permitted, though no under-16s are allowed backstage unless they are female and sleeping with one of the rhythm section.

Candidates should understand that in joining The Rolling Stones they are likely to become among the richest musicians in the world while being unlikely ever to be asked to perform their music on Top Of The Pops, see their records in the charts or be recognised by anyone under the age of 30. Any candidate who is confused by that should not apply.

The Rolling Stones plc will supply in- service training in sight reading and 12- bar blues.

(Photograph omitted)

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
News
The cartoon depicts the UK (far left) walking around a Syrian child refugee
newsIn an exclusive artwork for The Independent, Ali Ferzat attacks Britain's lack of 'humanity'
Life and Style
Man taking selfie in front of car
health
Sport
footballManager attacks Sky Sports pundit Jamie Redknapp after criticism of Diego Costa's apparent stamping
Life and Style
food + drink
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
ebooks
ebooksA year of political gossip, levity and intrigue from the sharpest pen in Westminster
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Digital Account Manager - OTE £40,000

£25000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This web-based lead generation ...

Tradewind Recruitment: Intervention Teacher Required To Start ASAP.

£125 - £150 per day + Negotiable: Tradewind Recruitment: A 'wonderful primary ...

Tradewind Recruitment: Maths Teacher

£90 - £140 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: Our client is an 11-16 mixed commun...

Recruitment Genius: PHP / Drupal / SaaS Developer

£32000 - £36000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A rapidly developing company in...

Day In a Page

Greece elections: In times like these, the EU has far more dangerous adversaries than Syriza

Greece elections

In times like these, the EU has far more dangerous adversaries than Syriza, says Patrick Cockburn
Holocaust Memorial Day: Nazi victims remembered as spectre of prejudice reappears

Holocaust Memorial Day

Nazi victims remembered as spectre of prejudice reappears over Europe
Fortitude and the Arctic attraction: Our fascination with the last great wilderness

Magnetic north

The Arctic has always exerted a pull, from Greek myth to new thriller Fortitude. Gerard Gilbert considers what's behind our fascination with the last great wilderness
Homeless Veterans appeal: Homeless in Wales can find inspiration from Daniel’s story

Homeless Veterans appeal

Homeless in Wales can find inspiration from Daniel’s story
Front National family feud? Marine Le Pen and her relatives clash over French far-right party's response to Paris terror attacks

Front National family feud?

Marine Le Pen and her relatives clash over French far-right party's response to Paris terror attacks
Pot of gold: tasting the world’s most expensive tea

Pot of gold

Tasting the world’s most expensive tea
10 best wildlife-watching experiences: From hen harriers to porpoises

From hen harriers to porpoises: 10 best wildlife-watching experiences

While many of Britain's birds have flown south for the winter, it's still a great time to get outside for a spot of twitching
Nick Easter: 'I don’t want just to hold tackle bags, I want to be out there'

'I don’t want just to hold tackle bags, I want to be out there'

Nick Easter targeting World Cup place after England recall
DSK, Dodo the Pimp, and the Carlton Hotel

The inside track on France's trial of the year

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Dodo the Pimp, and the Carlton Hotel:
As provocative now as they ever were

Sarah Kane season

Why her plays are as provocative now as when they were written
Murder of Japanese hostage has grim echoes of a killing in Iraq 11 years ago

Murder of Japanese hostage has grim echoes of another killing

Japanese mood was against what was seen as irresponsible trips to a vicious war zone
Syria crisis: Celebrities call on David Cameron to take more refugees as one young mother tells of torture by Assad regime

Celebrities call on David Cameron to take more Syrian refugees

One young mother tells of torture by Assad regime
The enemy within: People who hear voices in their heads are being encouraged to talk back – with promising results

The enemy within

People who hear voices in their heads are being encouraged to talk back
'In Auschwitz you got used to anything'

'In Auschwitz you got used to anything'

Survivors of the Nazi concentration camp remember its horror, 70 years on
Autumn/winter menswear 2015: The uniforms that make up modern life come to the fore

Autumn/winter menswear 2015

The uniforms that make up modern life come to the fore