Deborah Ross: The only words you'll ever need for the mum you really resent

If you ask me: Any time I need you, Mum/I know that you'll be there/With much advice of the critical kind/And a remark about my hair

If you ask me, and because I am now bored with those pesky, thieving gays, and the Christians who wish to smite my loins – there are two outside the house right now and, man, do they look in a smiting mood – I would now like to turn my attention to upcoming Mother's Day and my own exclusive range of resentful cards.

These are available from www.ResentfulCards.com and may even lead to greater all-round understanding, in time, although this isn't necessarily a given. You may choose a card with any of the following poems:

Any time I need you, Mum
I know that you'll be there,
With much advice of the critical kind
And a remark about my hair

********

All my toys were wooden
You banned me from TV
So is it any wonder
No one wanted to play with me?

********

You came to all my sporting events
And came whatever the weather
But I'm asking now as I asked myself then:
Did you always have to wear leather?

********

Mother, you've done such an amazing job
That now I'm fully grown
You can't make me feel guilty any more
As I can do that all on my own!

********

You've been an excellent mother
You've been an excellent wife
But Dad and I are thinking:
It's time you got a life

********

When we go to Topshop
Or Zara or H&M
Must you pick up every item
And say: "Just look at this hem?
It's going to come down in no time
And this button's dropping off.
Chances are this isn't
Even going to last the first wash"

********

Dearest, darling mother
What you say is true
Since I've been at uni
I've never once called you
But if it's any consolation
I know you are taking it hard –
I might not even bother
Sending you this card

********

You don't mind I've moved away
As ties must one day sever
But maybe I can visit more
As you won't live for ever?

(PS, I do so love your passive-aggressive style!)

At www.ResentfulCards.com, we also offer an exclusive range of gifts of the kind your mother won't like, and will have to resentfully return to the shop.