Mark Steel: I'm starting to feel sorry for Ken Livingstone

If anyone wonders how you become an investigative journalist, there are now unprecedented openings in London. All you do is follow Ken Livingstone for a couple of hours, then demand a full public inquiry about something he did, such as buy an apple, and send it into the London Evening Standard.

One of the main shocking revelations uncovered by this daily tirade, which also became a major part of a Channel 4 documentary, informed us Livingstone had a single whisky in the morning, for which "We have conclusive scientific evidence." That's journalism – marching into a laboratory and calling out: "Hey – you scientists. Stop farting about with a cure for leprosy and get your microscope on this glass."

Besides, supposing the "allegation" is true, does this matter? Maybe it does, because for some reason the job description of the mayor reads: "a) co-ordinate transport policy throughout the city, b) promote London as a tourist attraction, and c) operate a crane between 11.00 and 11.15 every morning."

Last week the Standard, in its daily two-page expose, revealed the mayor's office, "Lied about opinion polls." It seems a press release had stated that, in a poll, 80 per cent of Londoners supported the policy of providing free transport to under 18s. But "investigations" showed the question asked was whether Londoners supported free transport for under sixteen-year-olds. Thank the Lord these brave journalists uncovered that despicable scandal of deceit, treachery and international espionage.

It's like Watergate all over again. Hopefully they'll write a book detailing the dramatic journey of how they uncovered this sinister plot, with chapters that end: "Our contact was becoming edgy. 'I think they're onto me', he said, his sweat almost audible through his trembling rasping tones. We met that night in the public toilets at Kew Gardens, where a shivering hand emerged from under the door of the third cubicle and passed me a folder marked 'Top Secret - change sixteen to eighteen'.

"'This is bigger than you realise,' he whispered from the dark, 'Bigger even than the Assembly's proposed changes to the one-way system round Finsbury Park.' Then the shooting started."

There was a two-page feature "revealing" how some people who publicly support Livingstone are connected to organisations that have received support from bodies set up by the mayor. The main example was Doreen Lawrence, mother of murdered Stephen, because: "The Stephen Lawrence Charitable trust has received at least £1.9m from Mr Livingstone's London Development Agency."

Because, while more cowardly journalists might look into the dealings of governments and bankers, only the Standard is prepared to chase after the real scandals, in which a woman gets funding to support inner-city youths at a centre founded in the name of her murdered son – it's just "Me, me, me!" with some people, isn't it?

Next they'll reveal how 92-year-old Amy Todworth says she'll vote for him without revealing he once helped her find her hearing-aid on the pavement – the corrupt old cow.

There've been pages about Livingstone employing socialists in his office. After the election they'll tell us: "Shock as Archbishop of Canterbury employs staff who BELIEVE IN GOD." Livingstone's socialists, we're told, aim to create a "Trotskyite socialist state in London". In which case they've done a pretty useless job because London is currently the tax-haven magnet for the world's richest people. Clearly Monaco and Liechtenstein have been taken over by Trotskyists as well.

This is the daft part of all this – on most issues Livingstone has accommodated New Labour's strategy quite smoothly. It's where he broke away from New Labour, by opposing the war in Iraq, over the congestion charge, and when he left them altogether, that made him popular. But it's also those moments that make him despised by bodies such as the Evening Standard.

So there'll be weeks more of these articles, and documentaries in which an earnest reporter snarls: "This may look like an ordinary envelope, sent from City Hall to the gas board to pay the bill. But take a closer look. On the top right-hand side is a small square saying 'Affix stamp here'. Yet this stamp has clearly gone over the line – by, according to our exhaustive scientific investigations 'one-ninth of a millimetre'."

The reporters investigating him have complained that he won't answer the "Serious allegations" – particularly concerning the analysis of the glass. So I reckon he should write a statement that goes: "Thank God you only found the whisky – I was worried about the goat's blood and the crack."