Faldo emerges from bunker and walks on water: Keith Elliott pores over the tea leaves and discovers what 1993 has in store for both the famous and the infamous in the world of sport

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JANUARY: Ian Wright fails to get booked in Premier League game. First Test against India postponed because every member of England cricket team indisposed. Graham Gooch takes blame for ordering everyone to bed early with a copy of his autobiography and a takeaway chicken vindaloo. 'We're still trying to work out which one affected the players worst,' the team doctor says. After winning first event on European golf tour, Nick Faldo announces plan to try other sports. 'Golf doesn't provide enough of a challenge any more,' he says.

FEBRUARY: The England manager Graham Taylor recalls Jimmy Greaves to strengthen attack against San Marino. England draw 0-0. Referee at world bowls championships in Worthing sacked for showing bias. Jason Livingston receives Valentine's Day gift from Katrin Krabbe . . . a copy of Wings' Banned on the Run.

MARCH: Fisa announces that all Formula One races will be decided by small boys using Gameboys linked to computerised cars. Alec Stewart sets tour record for most missed stumpings; Paul Jarvis sets record for fewest balls bowled without being injured.

APRIL: Nick Faldo wins London Marathon. All first-class cricket fixtures rained off. Bill Werbeniuk reaches fourth round of women's world snooker championships in Romford before being found out. 'His legs were too good,' a spokesman said. Ian Botham answers cricket question correctly on A Question of Sport. An eight-year-old grey with a female owner, a name beginning with R, and Arab links, wins the Grand National.

MAY: Nick Faldo wins Badminton horse trials - without a horse. English National Surfing Championships at Newquay cancelled after pollution kills most of the competitors. 'It's cleaner than it used to be,' a water official says sniffily. Graham Taylor given hang-glider by grateful fans after exciting 0-0 draw with Poland. 'It's a lovely thought. It's a shame the instructions appear to have been taken out of the box,' the England manager says.

JUNE: Cricket selectors recall Fred Titmus for first Test v Australia. John Daly records 20 below par 52 to lead US Open. 'It would have been better, but someone stole my woods,' he says. England beaten 3-0 by Gabon in first round of Davis Cup. Lions bring in Nick Faldo as scrum-half for the first Test against New Zealand in Christchurch.

JULY: Final of British open croquet championships finishes in record three hours. Finalists play beer match to give the crowd value for money. Nick Faldo wins men's final at Wimbledon. Englishman wins Tour de France after filling rivals' water bottles up with British tap water. Henley committee imposes strict dress code on rowers. Women's races finish after dark because of long skirts and hats rule.

AUGUST: Lady Thatcher orders her son Mark to go on the Thousand Lakes Rally in Finland. Only one ball is bowled in the fifth Test, but TCCB refuses to refund ticket money. 'It was a very good ball,' a spokesman declares. Nick Faldo wins the British barefoot water skiing championships, proving conclusively that he can walk on water.

SEPTEMBER: NatWest Trophy final rained off. Ticket holders charged pounds 5 for letter telling them alternative date. The undisputed heavyweight boxing championship of the world takes place in Las Vegas. All claimants enter the ring at the same time and pound each other to pulp. Referee is declared undisputed world heavyweight champion.

OCTOBER: Norwich and Ipswich announce breakaway Super Premier League. BSkyB announces pounds 20m sponsorship of Super Premier League. Girl of 12 wins British women's gymnastics championships with series of unusual new routines. 'I'm delighted, but I'd still like to find the person who put the spider in my costume,' she says. Search parties sent out for Mark Thatcher.

NOVEMBER: Cloakroom attendant at world weightlifting championships in Melbourne banned for taking steroids. Record scores at national synchronised swimming championships disallowed. Spectacular manoeuvres attributed to clash with underwater hockey finals. Tommy Docherty named and sacked as manager of Barnet.

DECEMBER: Americans announce new format for 1994 World Cup: nine periods of 10 minutes each, drawn matches decided by number of passes made with left foot. Vinnie Jones offered panto role as the Good Fairy. Bruno furious, but relents on promise of part in new Jones video. Faldo wins Whitbread Round the World Race and swims back to win wrestling World Masters in Pittsburgh.