Football: Quotes of the week

Of course, my name is not on the leaderboard. I'm the wrong nationality for that.

Colin Montgomerie after shooting a two-under 70, one shot off the lead, on the first day of the Masters.

It's a good job he didn't pretend to eat the grass as well.

Gerard Houllier, Liverpool manager, on Stephen Gerrard's goal-line clearances that preserved his side's win over Everton.

I'd have had to go into films years ago if these rules applied. I'd have been skint.

Vinny Jones on the proposed new fines for disciplinary offences.

We would happily have him on loan until the end of the season. I'll find room for him in the side somewhere.

Scarborough manager Colin Addison, on learning that Zinedine Zidane's wife wants to live by the seaside.

We need a few snookers.

What Nottingham Forest manager Ron Atkinson thinks is necessary to escape relegation.