We were promised an extravaganza, a galaxy of stars lighting up the Nou Camp with thrills, spills and dribbles. What we saw instead was petulance, play-acting and paddies during Barcelona's 0-0 draw with Chelsea that would have been awkward to witness at a four-year-old's birthday bash. More Play School than skill school; a sulk-off between Didier Drogba and Daniel Alves.
Drogba's antics plumbed new depths of embarrassment as he hit the grass more than a happy hippy, but then the agony acting reached fresh heights. The smelling salts scene was a peach when Drogba, clearly suffering from a life-threatening concussion (although somehow able to roll theatrically) came to with an almighty hammed-up jolt when a bottle was waved under his nose.
Alves spent the game prone and in "agony" when Chelsea had the ball, and upright when Barça were in possession. All the tomfoolery nearly came back to bite Michael Ballack when he lay on the edge of the Chelsea box – hoping the referee would take pity – playing Alex Hleb onside as he went for goal. Cue Ballack's phoenix impression, "injury" cured.
Come on, lads, if we want bad acting we'll stick EastEnders on.