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PC footie songs? Chants would be a fine thing

Toning down some popular chants on the terraces

Quite sensibly, Liverpool FC have issued members of staff with a list of words that could get people’s backs up a bit. The list of words which “the Club considers unacceptable” includes some of the more obvious racial epithets – but equally intolerable gender-insulting examples such as “play like a girl” and some which might even be a bit debatable, such as “man up”.

The Independent’s senior editors tasked writers with bringing this kind of attitude to some of the terrace’s best-known chants. Feel free to test them out this season.

Before: “Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies? You fat bastard, you fat bastard, you ate all the pies!”

After: “Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies? Please consider, please consider, the five-two diet.”

Before: “You’re going home in a f****** ambulance.”

After: “You’re going home in a Serco ambulance.”

Before: “I want to go home, I want to go ho-ome, Town X is a s***hole, I want to go home.”

After: “I want to go home, I want to go ho-ome, the lack of private investment in public-service-dependent northern towns like this one has cast a shadow across their post-recession streets, I want to go home.”