In a professional career spanning almost two decades, Simon "Smudger" Smith has played for over 67 clubs. The ultimate utility player, as his pace has diminished, he has reinvented himself time and again, from poacher to holding midfielder, centre-back to goalkeeper. Now that his website has been closed down, we have exclusive access to his weekly column.
A transfer between clubs changes your whole life. I cannot tell you how exciting it is to wake up in one city with no chance of getting into the team and go to sleep that night in another city entirely with no chance of getting into the team. My career is proof of the age-old adage that whenever God shuts a door, he opens a transfer window. It's a great way to get a stuttering career on track and I hope that happens to Dimitar Berbatov with his move to Fulham. I'll never forget when I wasn't getting starts and went to Craven Cottage for what turned out to be a dream move. I still wasn't getting into the team but the padded benches really are outstanding there.
I'd like to wish luck to all the players who have made big-money transfers. That's when you really find out who your friends are. When I joined Arsenal it was brilliant, as it turned out I had loads. My celebratory round that night cost me upwards of 10 grand and that tells you everything you need to know about my popularity. Great days.
More players are being signed off the back of video footage. I thought I would try to capitalise on this trend by posting my own clip to YouTube but it's only been seen 12 times and has eight dislikes. Perhaps my rendition of "Eternal Love" at Ashley Cole's wedding wasn't the best choice. Still, the "Cracking stuff!" from Arsène Wenger in the comments has to be a positive sign. Good to see Prince Harry try to get snapped up too, the photos of him defending a free-kick are quality.
I'd like to thank my agent. With all my transfers, he is the busiest man in football. Unfortunately, part of his hectic schedule is down to taking on other jobs due to the small amounts involved. As well as representing me, Randy is Marouane Fellaini's hairdresser, Robbie Savage's tanning consultant and Sir Alex Ferguson's gum provider. Cheers, mate.
Follow me on @smudgersmithpro