The Sweeper

Hammering out a catchy tune for Hitzlsperger

When a player becomes a terrace favourite he can, naturally, expect a song to be adapted after him. Think Paolo Di Canio to the tune of "La donne e mobile", "Walking in a Shearer Wonderland" at St James' Park or Gianfranco Zola to "Lola" by The Kinks. But at Villa Park things have been a bit more tricky. It was fine when Juan Pablo Angel was scoring as the Holte End could sing "I Can't Take My Eyes Off You". But what about Thomas Hitzlsperger? The young German has scored several spectacular goals recently, leading to some scratching of heads. So spectacular have been his goals, by the way, that there is now such a distracting cry of "Shoot!" whenever or wherever he gets the ball that he is miskicking. Villa fans have now launched a search for a suitable ditty. It helps that his nickname is now "Der Hammer". Anyone remember "Hammer Time" by MC Hammer? Thought not.

Barry Town aim for Nigerian World Cup star

Forget about the transfer window, the most intriguing signing of the year may take place at the Welsh Premier League club Barry Town, who have been taken over by the former Wimbledon striker and ambassador to Nigeria, John Fashanu. Having promised to use his connections to bring in talented African players, he has now told the radio station BBC London that his first signing is to be the Nigerian World Cup defender Taribo West. "I don't want to deny Welsh players a chance but if we can get two or three African footballers playing at Barry Town and then maybe sell them on we're making the club self-sufficient," he said. West, who has played for Derby County, was released by Kaiserslautern earlier this season and was briefly linked with a move to Dunfermline. The central defender does have a disruptive reputation but Fashanu's biggest problem at present is finding him. "I'm still trying to locate where he is," he admitted.

Understanding the seven separate faces of Roy Keane

The most intriguingly entitled TV documentary of the New Year is Inside the Mind of Roy Keane on Channel 4 which promises to put the Manchester United captain on the psychologist's couch to find out what makes him tick. The programme, on 7 January, will focus on seven key matches which reveal various facets of his personality.

"It is a psychological profile of one of football's greatest enigmas," said a spokesman for Channel 4. "He is a hugely talented player but he has a unique self-destruct button." Suffice to say it is on after the watershed.

OK, so it can happen to anyone but one of the photographs on the cover of the West Ham 2003 calendar is a bit unfortunate.

Below an image of new captain Joe Cole is a picture of centre-half Tomas Repka stroking his chin. Judging by manager Glenn Roeder's forthright reaction to the Czech defender's sending off against Fulham on Boxing Day it could be that Repka is contemplating his own future.

It certainly doesn't appear to lie at Upton Park.

Queen of the South's poetic justice

Last night, BBC Radio Five Live explained the origins of how several Scottish football teams received their names. The show, They Will Be Dancing In The Streets Of Raith Tonight, got its name from an over-excited BBC reporter in the 1960s who was commentating on a triumph by Raith Rovers who, as any Scot will tell you, are based in Kirkcaldy. But my favourite comes from Queen of the South. Supporters chose the name over Dumfries United, Southern Wanderers or Vale of Nith after a poll in the early 1900s. The name was originally used in an election address by a local poet and the people of Dumfries liked the sound of it.

Staying with radio, this gem comes from TalkSPORT's Scottish football phone-in and took place before the goalkeeper Antii Niemi signed for Southampton this season:

Caller: I'm a Hearts fan and, fair enough, Stephen Pressley gets a game for Scotland but what I can't understand is why [national coach Berti] Vogts never picks Antii Niemi.

Host (former footballer Arthur Albiston): Eh? Sorry?

Caller: Why does he never pick Antii Niemi for Scotland?

Host: It's because he's Finnish.

Caller: What?

Host: Antii Niemi is Finnish.

By now enraged caller: He's not Finnish! He's only 28!