The Hacker: I swear I'm not telling porkies: the dream team bottled it

There are two bottles of champagne awaiting me at the club and people keep shaking my hand or slapping my back. I've never known anything like it in more than 30 years of playing poor golf on a distressingly regular basis.

They say every dog has his day; mine came last Monday. I should say "ours" since the glory was shared with my partner John Dodd. Actually, his was the bigger part but we won't go into that just yet.

Ours was a giant-killing act that has the club rocking since it involved the formidable pairing of Peter "Porky" Edmunds, playing off five, and Matt Davey, off eight, known as the "dream team".

The Stoddart Cup is a foursomes knockout that has been going for 100 years and is keenly contested. Hackers have tended not to enter because it had an 18-handicap limit but this year the restriction was lifted and John, 20, and myself, 28, felt emboldened to enter.

It was a decision we regretted when we saw the draw. This year they are running a book, with the proceeds going to charity, and Porky and Matt were installed as joint favourites at 8-1. They put £50 on themselves.

John and I were included in the "100-1 others" list and didn't even consider having a bet, even though we were encouraged by the fact we would be receiving 18 shots.

Because of their bet, our match attracted a lot of banter and Slug, who is Porky's brother, offered to buy us a bottle of champagne if we beat them. Porky is not so-called because he is fat, which he isn't, but for his passion for pork pies. I do not dare to ask where Slug's nickname came from.

His champagne offer was matched by Richie, who is running the book. "If you win, it'll save us £400. So you can have a bottle from me, too," he said.

To say our opponents weren't happy at having to give us a shot a hole is putting it mildly. Good players don't like giving that many shots but the new ruling says full allowance must be given.

But Porky did have a point when, after halving the first, we won the second with a three on a par-three and he said: "To beat you we would have needed a hole in one."

They easily won the third but on the par-five fourth a good drive from me and an even better second from John put us 30 yards straight in front of the green. I have a tendency when under pressure to putt from anything up to 30 yards from the green rather than risk a chip. But I confidently reached for my wedge and shanked it into the greenside bunker.

John splashed and then sank the 10-footer I left him to halve the hole. He rescued us again with a putt from off the green on the fifth. We won the sixth after they lost a ball and went three up at the short seventh. They won the next two to leave us one up at the turn but we won three of the next five holes to be three up with four to play.

On the 15th Matt hit a mighty drive which found the base of a leylandii. Porky had to play the next shot from his knees to the adjoining fairway and took another three to get to the green, whereupon they conceded the match.

It's tough to have to give that many shots, particularly if the hackers have a good day, and it is significant that we won the five par-threes we played. That proved the killer. But they took it in a sportsmanlike and gentlemanly fashion despite fearing the amount of piss that was going to be taken out of them.

It started as soon as we reached the clubhouse, where a small crowd gathered including Slug and Richie, and there was much cruel chortling. The champagne will be presented to us this weekend. Fame at last.

p.corrigan@independent.co.uk

Suggested Topics
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
News
i100
Arts and Entertainment
Billie Piper as Brona in Penny Dreadful
tvReview: It’s business as usual in Victorian London. Let’s hope that changes as we get further into the new series spoiler alert
Arts and Entertainment
Sarah Lucas, I SCREAM DADDIO, Installation View, British Pavilion 2015
artWhy Sarah Lucas is the perfect choice to represent British art at the Venice Biennale
News
science
Arts and Entertainment
No Offence
tvReview: No Offence has characters who are larger than life and yet somehow completely true to life at the same time spoiler alert
News
Chuck Norris pictured in 1996
people
Caption competition
Caption competition
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Daily Quiz
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

Career Services

Day In a Page

General Election 2015: Ed Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

He was meant to be Labour's biggest handicap - but has become almost an asset
General Election 2015: A guide to the smaller parties, from the the National Health Action Party to the Church of the Militant Elvis Party

On the margins

From Militant Elvis to Women's Equality: a guide to the underdogs standing in the election
Amr Darrag: Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister in exile still believes Egypt's military regime can be replaced with 'moderate' Islamic rule

'This is the battle of young Egypt for the future of our country'

Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister Amr Darrag still believes the opposition can rid Egypt of its military regime and replace it with 'moderate' Islamic rule, he tells Robert Fisk
Why patients must rely less on doctors: Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'

Why patients must rely less on doctors

Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'
Sarah Lucas is the perfect artist to represent Britain at the Venice Biennale

Flesh in Venice

Sarah Lucas has filled the British pavilion at the Venice Biennale with slinky cats and casts of her female friends' private parts. It makes you proud to be a woman, says Karen Wright
11 best anti-ageing day creams

11 best anti-ageing day creams

Slow down the ageing process with one of these high-performance, hardworking anti-agers
Juventus 2 Real Madrid 1: Five things we learnt, including Iker Casillas is past it and Carlos Tevez remains effective

Juventus vs Real Madrid

Five things we learnt from the Italian's Champions League first leg win over the Spanish giants
Ashes 2015: Test series looks a lost cause for England... whoever takes over as ECB director of cricket

Ashes series looks a lost cause for England...

Whoever takes over as ECB director of cricket, says Stephen Brenkley
Fishing for votes with Nigel Farage: The Ukip leader shows how he can work an audience as he casts his line to the disaffected of Grimsby

Fishing is on Nigel Farage's mind

Ukip leader casts a line to the disaffected
Who is bombing whom in the Middle East? It's amazing they don't all hit each other

Who is bombing whom in the Middle East?

Robert Fisk untangles the countries and factions
China's influence on fashion: At the top of the game both creatively and commercially

China's influence on fashion

At the top of the game both creatively and commercially
Lord O’Donnell: Former cabinet secretary on the election and life away from the levers of power

The man known as GOD has a reputation for getting the job done

Lord O'Donnell's three principles of rule
Rainbow shades: It's all bright on the night

Rainbow shades

It's all bright on the night
'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

Bread from heaven

Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

How 'the Axe' helped Labour

UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power